My personal Bastard Stories

If you have something interesting to say as a writer and it's readable...why not put it here so we can enjoy it with you...

Postby J_K9 » Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:28 pm

As good an update as any! :D Cheers Bastard ;)
"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold." - Bob Marley

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Postby Phate » Wed Mar 21, 2007 9:53 pm

OMg this shit is priceless, are these made up or for real?
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Postby dinowuff » Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:06 pm

OK Everyone stay tuned. Anyone that wants to be featured as my apprentice please PM me and let me know if you want me to use your real name or screen name.

Here's a windows trick for the lusers that keep complaining that every time they do anything the get an error. not enough system memory to process the command.

No Shit Shurlock, it's because you're running windows and haven't shut down for over 987 hours.

Grab the shutdown.exe program out of the w2k (or above) resource kit. Copy it into the %systemroot%/system32 folder. In the same folder create a batch file named reboot.bat with the following

shutdown /L /R /Y /C

Now set an AT command to run the thing every day at midnight.

Now create a shortcut on your desktop pointing to \\stupidusercomputer\...\reboot.bat.

Name the shortcut Dumbass.

Next time the user calls, Don't just say it, double click it!

Have a nice day - NOT
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AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
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Postby Morganlefay » Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:38 pm

I like it

hehehehehhe

:mrgreen:

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Postby jaymill230 » Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:37 pm

lol, great one dino :)
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Postby outerlimit » Sat Apr 14, 2007 7:58 pm

ahahaha, i was looking for this thread on thursday and couldn't find it.
they were all great!! major props Dino, can't wait for some more :D
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Postby THE Doctor » Sun Apr 15, 2007 10:08 am

waiting impatiently for an update
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
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Postby Aspman » Mon Apr 16, 2007 10:27 am

dinowuff wrote:OK Everyone stay tuned. Anyone that wants to be featured as my apprentice please PM me and let me know if you want me to use your real name or screen name.


Can I be an occasional character? 'Mr Compliance' or 'The Man who says No' or 'The Pr0n Detective' coz that basically what I do all day, check compliance, say no to stuff and hunt down folks looking at pron.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Postby THE Doctor » Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:11 pm

hunt down folks looking at pron.


ok gotcha.. coppy those thar files to this DVD give me the DVD.. delete the files .. and report to HR..

hmm OK.. 1 for The Boss, 1 for HR, and 25 for my customers
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
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Postby dinowuff » Mon Apr 23, 2007 2:18 pm

Sure as the sun rises, I get to work Monday morning and there are 10 voice mail messages from the front desk. Lynnette, my ever so skilled TIER I helper – now secretary, gives me one of those “You fucking bastard” looks as she enters my office.

“Mr. Morgan, the receptionist called and said that there are 9 people in the front lobby waiting to meet you and she has been inundated with phone calls since seven this morning”.

“And your point”?

“Well I guess you are interviewing for the sysadmin position, but no one knew that you were interviewing today”.

“O.K., So what’s your point”? As Lynn turns to shut the door to my office, I know she’s about to loose all professional demeanor. That’s why she could never be a bastard, but between you and me – she can be one serious bitch.

“Jesus Christ, Dino, you can’t just hold interviews without informing H.R., the front desk and me. What am I supposed to do now? There are 9 clueless idiots out there and I’m sure what ever you did over the weekend, there will be more”!

“Lynnie, LYNnieeieeeeee. Not to worry”. She hates it when I call her lynnie, but sometimes it’s all about being a bastard - on every possible level. Turning on bastard mode, I begin to formulate a working plan. I need to get all applicants into one space. I need to check my email and see if any of the idiots in the lobby actually replied to my email sent last Friday. And foremost I need to ensure that any applicant that shows bastard potential doesn’t get hammered - too hard.

Logging onto my network I start querying my work and hotmail accounts. I call the operator and ask her if she would direct the applicants to the north conference room. I explain to her that I notified H.R. about today’s interviews and promised that I would get to the bottom of why she was not informed. I call the H.R. guy and complain that I had scheduled the north conference room for today’s interviews and that the receptionist did not follow policy in regards to scheduling conference rooms via the online calendar function. I also let him know that I adjusted the schedule for the rooms and that, maybe, the receptionist just made a simple mistake. *pufft* that will put them in an inter-department fight ending in “WTF are we fighting about? Weak minds think alike and if you want to find weak minds, just look to your local human resources department.

Note to self. Try to remember HR guy’s name.

Armed with my emails, resumes and cross-reference checks, I enter the north conference room. First things first, I need a real bitch.

“Lynn, would you do me a favor and pre screen the idiots in the North Conference room? I’ll give you Friday and Monday off and let you audit the phone switch logs! Please?”
Now Lynn may not be proficient in handling interviews; but she has an uncanny ability to recognize talent when it comes to IT skills. And she recognized me as a true Bastard from the start. Even before I started cleaning house all those many months ago.

Lynn agrees and I watch as she gathers her ‘lists’. There is an acute change in her attitude as she turns from secretary to royal bitch. I drop an Audio Bug Mini Wireless FM Radio Transmitter next to Lynn’s laptop. Back in my office, I hear Lynn ripping the souls out of the morons. The clueless morons that – ‘Soon will wish to be in Hells fire timelessly, forever, with boiling water to drink, which lacerates their bowels’… Or in other words, Lynn - The bitch, has just screwed them. So let it be written so let it be a start up script.

11:00 A.M. my phone rings and it’s Lynn.

“Mr. Morgan? There are two applicants in the conference room ready to interview with you”.

“Thank you Lynn, please let them know that I’ll be there shortly”.

Over the past hour, HR Guy, Operator, and an admin from another corresponding data center calls. HR Guy is confused, Operator wants to know where I should send the latest applicant and admin guy needs to know which router he should use to attach a new web site.

Tempted to tell him he should use the internal front side router, I digress and consider the task at hand.

“Mr. Davies. You responded to an email that clearly stated not to reply. What makes you feel you are qualified for this position? Further more you indicated that you know the answer to ‘Life, The Universe, and Everything’. So what’s the answer?

“Mr. Morgan, the answer transcends the…
“Excuse me” I interrupt, “Either you know the answer or you do not.”
“Well I guess the answer is…”
“You Guess? Good-bye Mr. Davies. Never apply for an IT position again.”

The next applicant has what I define as Skiddie skills. Even though Lynn has dispatched the initial 9 individuals, I inform her that there are still two left, and one has l337 skills. Within minutes Lynn joins me in the conference room for a two on one Bastard-Bitch interview.

I begin with the normal formalities.

“Good Morning Mr. Wellington. My name is Dino and this is my assistant Lynn. Can you tell me a little about yourself and why you believe you have the skill set needed to perform the duties listed”.

“Yes, well my full name is Ingram Phate Wellington. I’m 32, single and live at home with my Mother, Father and Sister”.

“Let me guess, you have a room in the basement”?

I give Lynn the evil eye, It’s true this wannabe is most certainly going to be the entertainment of the day, but it’s a little to early in the process. I’m about to interject when Ingram responds without hesitation.

‘True, but I have never posed as a 15 year old cheerleader on line, and I don’t have a MySpace account”.

Ohh BURN, I think to myself. A bold move in the interview process, could I have been mistaken?

“So to your skill set, your resume reflects that you have extensive knowledge with Citrix, Microsoft SQL server, Apache, and Borland DB2”?

That’s one odd combination.

“Yes Sir. My last position was a Citrix Administrator…”

Not to bore you with the details, suffice to say, I will be checking references and job history. Anyone who remembers DB2 gets a call back in my book.

Now I’m about to cut Lynn loose on the guy and lead in with, “Mr. Wellington, how did you hear about this position”?

“A college of mine showed me your email listing the sysadmin position and the statement not to respond. To be honest, I just wanted to know what would happen if I did”.

O.K. So Lynn won’t get a chance – at this time. A possible candidate sits in my mist. Let’s see how stupid this guy is.

As a final task, I ask Phate if – (I can’t stand the name Wellington, sounds too ‘Are you being served-ish’) he would be willing to do a pen test on one of my honey pots and bring his findings to our next meeting. I explain that I will check his references and work history, and will share my findings at that time. Phate agrees, as long as he gets written permission from me and at least one company officer. I agree and instruct Lynn to type up the necessary document and have the CFO sign the thing and return it here A.S.A.P.

Lynn returns with the document and I end the interview asking Lynn if she has any last questions.

Lynn says, “Yes only one…”

“Forty Two” Replies Phate and with that I sign the pen test documentation and add the following information:

Phate, you must at least discover the address of the companies test site. All I will give you is the possible IP range.

129.163.0.0
129.164.0.0
129.165.0.0
129.166.0.0
129.167.0.0
129.168.0.0

And a hint, unless it a HFS or FATX filesystems, you’re on the wrong box. Any NTFS filesystem running IIS can be scanned and exploited in any manner or form.

Please bring your findings next Monday at 11:30 a.m. sharp. I will meet you in the front lobby at that time.
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Postby cemetric » Mon Apr 23, 2007 2:38 pm

“You Guess? Good-bye Mr. Davies. Never apply for an IT position again.”


Wooohaaa hilarious :twisted:

One sweet follow up dino ... Can't wait for the rest ... I almost regret not having my name in it ... ... .... almost ;)
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Postby outerlimit » Mon Apr 23, 2007 4:48 pm

Very nice, Dino...
i really enjoy these :D
keep up the good work and can't wait for more :)
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Postby Phate » Mon Apr 23, 2007 5:50 pm

“Yes, well my full name is Ingram Phate Wellington. I’m 32, single and live at home with my Mother, Father and Sister”.


Lmao this made my day!!!!
Cant wait to see what comes next
Dino I lub you...keep em coming. :P
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Postby Clp727 » Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:26 am

These BOFH stories are as good or better than the original BOFH series! Great work!!
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Episode II, Chapter II

Postby dinowuff » Fri Aug 24, 2007 6:41 pm

Well the week goes by and everyone seems to be adjusting to the new IT Director. Understanding that sending me an email or calling my office phone gets the same response one expected when I was the lonely System Administrator. I must say that some people get big headed and what not when they reach upper management. Me, I just see it as more vacation pay, and treat the users the same.

Anyway, H.R. Guy has been leaving me messages all week about the unplanned interviews and something about proper procedure, saving resumes and what not. There was a long email about Equal Opportunity Employment stuff. And upon reading the first sentence, I displayed my middle finger to the screen and promptly deleted the email.

Being a Director does have its perks! Last Wednesday the V.P. of some really stupid division of the company called a meeting with all Central and Midwest directors to discuss travel reimbursement. Hey come to find out I was supposed to be reimbursed for ALL meals when on company business, not just Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Also, there is NO LIMIT? That’s what the meeting was about. Setting limits. Meeting some of my fellow directors just reiterated my stance on upper management: MORONS, UBER MORONS! H.R. Guy was sitting in a corner of the conference room balancing his checkbook on-line. This is the very same person that convinced my old boss to install a linksys access point in the conference room. (Or rather had my former boss have me install the thing) Something about not needing an expensive access point since the thing would rarely be used. Shortly after the meeting was adjourned a substantial amount of money was transferred from the reimbursement accounts to his account. Oh yea and for some reason an audit trail was set up for the access points IP. I wonder why?

Well still no SysAdmin and no Phate. I did hear something on NPR about some hacker trying to break into N.A.S.A. Well Mr. Wellington; you probably should have done a little foot printing prior to actively sweeping the National Aeronautics and Space Administrations network. Too bad, he showed such promise.

I don’t know if it’s the killer sex, home cooked food or the fact that Julie let me set up 18 shell companies for her estranged husband and then notify the I.R.S. Or the added digit to my annual income, but I actually think I’m happy. But back to Julie’s soon to be ex.

Now the only down side of my shell company plan was - who know the F.B.I. could move that fast? Just as Julie and I pulled up across the street, three white vans, four local police cars and a fucking helicopter (Air Support?) pounced upon the ex’s property – Gotta love the Government; and there we were watching the estranged husband being pulled out of the house in his whitey tighties, crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee; and us with no time to get a good video for Youtube.

Well funs over and since its 10 am Friday morning, I may as well go into work. Walking up to my office, Lyn pulls me aside and informs me that the auditors are here all running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

I grab my coffee cup off my desk and head for the datacenter. Once inside I log on to the PBX and delete my voice mail. I accidentally delete all voice mail for F through I. Lyn has had it too easy this week.

Scanning usage reports, checking data conversion progress so I can finally get rid of that flipping shark array, and doing odd little tasks, I plug in the Help desk phone. It does not ring. A few minutes pass and it still does not ring. Not that I would answer it but still – I kind of miss the old days. I page Lyn.

Within minutes, Lyn is in the datacenter staring at me staring at the Help desk phone.

“What’s wrong”?

“It’s not working”?

“What’s not working”?

“The Help Desk Phone”

“Yes it is, got a call on it this morning. Something about an audit trail and backups for AP reimbursements or some such shit. That’s why the auditors are here”.

“Ah, but the phone isn’t ringing. Tell you what. Take this crossover cable and plug it into any open port on that stack and plug the other end into any open port on the stack next to it”

Confused, Lyn crosses the room and plugs in the crossover cable and gives me one of those WTF looks. I look at Lyn, then at the phone. I pause for a moment and look back at Lyn’

“See that fibre card on the first stack? Towards the bottom of the first switch where you plugged in the patch cable? Pull it out”.

Lyn does as I instruct and again gives me that WTF look. Just then the help desk phone rings. I look a Lyn and notice that her look has changed to one of understanding.

“Troubleshooting” says Lyn.

“Yep” I reply.

We both stroll out of the datacenter and head across the street to Starbucks.

“Nothing like knowing that your Help Desk is in good working order” says Lyn.

I smile and order for the both of us. I can’t help wondering how long it will take for the spanning tree forces all data paths into standby and more importantly, could Lyn be the next Bastard?
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AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
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