My personal Bastard Stories

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Postby dinowuff » Sat Aug 25, 2007 3:25 pm

Stay tuned.

The next chapter introduces (briefly) an auditor from across the pond. Though He knows his stuff, Lyn and Dino discover a "White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs fetish" that allows for "restructuring" of the IT budget.

With out giving away too much. A White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs, an airplane and two mud puddles are not hurt while writing this continuing sage.
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Postby Clp727 » Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:28 pm

Your Bastard stories are inspiring! I wonder what kind of trouble I could cause at work...
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Postby dinowuff » Tue Nov 27, 2007 8:22 pm

God, could being audited be any more FUN? No the Bastard Director of IT has not gone mad. I swear I had nothing to do with this, and would congratulate the Executive team for hiring an off shore firm to do the auditing, but they wouldn’t get it.

Everything started as normal. You know the insurance company, annual budget – audit stuff every company goes through. Memo’s and emails advising me of the upcoming this and that, yadda yadda yadda. So last Monday they arrived. I had H.R. send a car to the airport and pick up the “Team of Two”.

One is French or Belgian or South African or something, all I know is that no one, not even his team mate, can understand a fucking word he says.

The other is Irish, or Scottish or English (who the hell cares) but everyone here can only understand about ever other word in every third sentence he speaks.

So after the initial introduction, the two auditors pop off with the CFO to check out the finance department. The auditors are scheduled to meet an IT rep after lunch in the conference room. I’m sure they will have many requests for much information. Looks like a job for Lyn. But first;


“Lyn, how about I buy you lunch today”?

“What do you want”?

“Nothing, it’s just that you are going to be my liaison to the auditors while they’re here and I thought you might like lunch”.

“Sure, and I bet you’ll tell me what ‘liaison’ entails at the restraint”.

“Well you’re half right. Meet me at my car at 11”

So off we go cross town to a small Mexican bar that has the best Margaritas and Wet Burritos north of the Rio Grand. Entering the establishment I order for both of us and guide Lyn to a table in the back corner.

After a wet burrito, Margarita for me and two Captain and Diets for Lyn (Rum and Diet Coke for you non-English speaking folks) I break the news.

“Lyn, you are going to give the auditors what ever they request. No questions”.

“Dino are you feeling alright? You sure you don’t want me to add a few forests or copy the general ledger to a hidden share the auditors will find almost instantly”?

“Nope those were the old days. This time its buy the book and no funny stuff”.

I know Lyn does not entirely believe me, but hey after a few Captain and Diets, Lyn is putty in anyone’s hands. So off we go back to the office. I introduce Lyn to the auditors.

“Gentleman may I introduce my assistant Lyn. She will be at your disposal for any information you may need”.

“Glad tae meit ye darlin, it will be a pleasure workin' wi' a quinie as bonnie as ye”. Replied the Irish, Scottish, English or what ever the hell nationality he was.

The guy speaking, what I later learned is Flemish, said “God to you meet morning”

Lyn gives me “the look” and realizes – incorrectly, why I feed her booze at lunch. You see it wasn’t to keep Lyn from going postal; rather to really frustrate the auditors.

Now I have a few rules when it comes to auditors.

Rule number one:

Always give auditors what ever they ask for.
Always speak the language of the person whom you are requesting information.

That being said I leave Lyn and the Scott in the conference room and escort the Belgium, Dutch, Yoda speaking guy back to the CFO’s office.

On my way back I pass the conference room where the auditor is trying to get Lyn, who has a hard time handling a Rum buzz, to fetch policies and examples of this and that. I’m sure Lyn has as hard a time understanding this guy sober; with a buzz I’m sure it’s impossible.

For the next few days, Lyn and I meet at the Mexican bar for Drinks at 11 in preparation for auditors at 1. Today being Wednesday, there is a meeting with both auditors, the CFO, myself and The CEO. I have invited Lyn along as well.

I didn’t tell her that until after the second Captain and Diet.

One ‘O clock and everyone is in the board room, except the CEO - who can always be relied upon not to attend any meeting that does not include board members. Anyway, I suggest we all get on with it and the Yoda speaking guy says something that none of us understands. With that the Scottish one stands up and begins to speak.

“I've bin lookin' at yer audit policies an' thaur seems tae be a problem wi' yer financial access”.

“You have been looking at your audit policies? I thought you were supposed to look at OUR audit policies”. I reply with confusion.

“That's whit Ah said yer policies”.

“Her policies”?
I ask giving Lyn that all too familiar “I’m going to have fun with this one” look.

“ Noo see haur Ah dinnae hae th' time tae discuss semantics. An' Ah dornt appreciate ye makin' fin ay mah leid”.

Now I’m not sure what the hell that meant but the Scottish guy is now red faced and his knuckles are turning white from griping the side of the table too hard. He’s either going to have a heart attack or kill me.

Sensing the impending doom, Lyn pipes up.

“So since it’s my policies you’ve bin luuking at, shouldn’t you be having this discussion with me”?

The Scott releases his grip on the table and says, “An' whaur dae ye suppose we shoods dae thes”.

Lyn and I look at each other and then at the Scott; to which Lyn asks, “Do you like Mexican food”?

“Glaikit Americans Wa th' heel nae”

I’m not exactly sure what the hell that meant, but I think the guy likes Mexican. I inform the CFO and Yoda speaking guy that we’re off to do some more auditing and will return in the morning.

I ask the CFO if he can arrange for transportation back to the hotel for the Yoda guy. To which he, seemingly anxiously, replies “Of course”.

So Lyn and the Scott take her car and meet me at our now ‘most favorite place to drink in the middle of the day’ watering hole. Scott in tow, Lyn leads the auditor up to the bar and buys him a drink. After a while the two are doing shots and each are attempting to dance on the bar.

I give the bartender $100 for the mess (that they’ll eventually make) and another hundred for cab fare, along with the hotel address.

Dateline – Thursday, eleven a.m.

No word from Lyn or the Scott, and Lyn’s car is not at the bar. I inform the CFO that Lyn and the other auditor are doing some off site auditing and will be back in the office tomorrow.

Later that night Lyn calls to let me know she’ll be taking the Scott to the airport tomorrow afternoon, and that she’ll fill me in Monday.

Well I’m not sure about the CFO, but I’m confident that the IT department will not have any findings as a result of this audit.
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Postby Egaladeist » Tue Nov 27, 2007 8:57 pm

LOL :D Yeh, Lyn !!!
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Postby outerlimit » Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:54 am

Awesome... I was thinking its time for another story :D
Great job!
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Postby THE Doctor » Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:50 am

lol :D
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A Weekend with the Bastard

Postby dinowuff » Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:59 pm

A Weekend with the Bastard
Part 1

Ah more email from corporate H.R. guy…


RE: Company Weekend Suggestions.

So what does anyone want to do for the company outing this spring? All comments and suggestions will be considered. Please note that at this time hourly employees are not being polled for input.

The executive committee has determined that directors should have the ability alone to determine what is best for moral in their department(s).

Currently Barbra Chunkily has suggested the company rent tent space at Long River Canoes, Camping and RV world in Cedar Springs.

Please get together and decide by C.O.B. Friday.

H.R. Guy whose name I still don’t care to remember.

So what does that mean?

One: the company is going to spend tons of cash on renting tent and RV space at Long River because Barbra and her husband own that back alley dump and because “Barbie” is the daughter of our Board Chairman.

Two: I will spend the next few weeks restoring emails that never existed and deleting ones that did. Wait- back up, reverse that… You get the picture.

And finally

Three: Lyn is going camping with her kids and my departments newest employees.

Every year these caring and sharing weekend outings – meant to build team/corporate spirit; end up as huge disasters. They are almost always scheduled on a weekend when the majority of our divorced workers have visitation rights. People who spend an alarming amount of time avoiding each other in the work place are suddenly forced to spend every waken hour together for two days. Tempers flair and management gets blamed for not “accomplishing” any of the set objectives – outlined in the “Weekend Guide”. Printed and delivered to everyone’s desk personally by the friendly Human Resource staff, and then immediately transferred to the circle file under the desk.

Most employees cringe at the thought of not being able to miss this “Fun filled weekend of skill building and relaxing”. In fact, my old boss used to pay me $200 for a viable excuse. But I think that my department may just be up to the task and make this an unforgettable weekend for everyone in the company.

On second thought I know this will be the weekend to beat all weekends.

It’s now 2:00 p.m. and time for the department’s weekly meeting. This should be fun. My door opens and in walks Lyn followed by Daryl and his other brother Daryl. I notice that Lyn’s right eye lid is twitching and she has an ever so slight scowl on her face. Lyn takes a seat at the table across from my desk and the two dim wits she hired stumble over each other trying to get the only chair that doesn’t face my desk. The ops and development managers sit on the couch next to the windows.

At this point I should let you know that Lyn is the companies official Systems Administrator. I was a little reprehensive about giving her my old position, but after the wonderful job she did with the auditors last year – hell she deserved the job. And I must say her training as a Bastard (or Bitch) SysAdmin is coming along fairly well. Just a few hiccups in where Lyn thought she was right, but more importantly I was wrong. That’s where the moron twins come in.

Lyn kept requesting interns to help her keep up with her new responsibilities and I kept telling her that she needed to work on her time management skills. So finally I gave in and decided to let Lyn learn all about time management the hard way. I approved two intern positions. One entry level networking and one entry level programmer, both of whom Lyn would hire and manage along with all her other responsibilities.

Now even though the department managers report to Lyn I decreed that the interns Lyn hired would report to her and her alone.

“We’ll thanks everyone for being on time. I have a fairly short agenda today, so let’s start with you Lyn. What has your new team been working on this week?”

“All areas are moving forward with the accounting system upgrade. There was a small glitch with the database last week but development stepped up and addressed the issues. I believe the project is back on schedule”.

Lyn looks at the operations manager who confirms that even though her new developer intern, not only deleted the entire dev system database, and the source database itself, the project was indeed back on schedule.

Looking at the operations manager I inquired if there were any infrastructure problems I needed to be aware of, or anything that may adversely affect the current project or production environment.

I knew that Daryl (the networking intern) had dumped a core switch and had barely escaped the datacenter with his life. Lyn gave the young one the task of reviewing the network switch configurations and ensuring that the corresponding documentation was up to date. Now I don’t know why the operations manager didn’t Kill Lyn for giving the intern a RW account. But hey it’s all about time management.

Anyway, Daryl and his other brother Daryl are staring at the floor, Lyn is holding up fairly well and my other two managers seem to be plotting a mutiny. Now as a director one must be a little savvier when being a total bastard. Plus both my ops and dev guys are top notch. I can’t keep fucking with Lyn at their expense with out some form of repayment.

“O.K.” I say standing up from my desk. “As I’m sure you’ve all heard – planning for the annual company outing is in the works. As usual all employees are expected to attend and overtime is authorized for the event. In other words, you will attend the event”.

I make my way to the door and everyone rises to leave. As I open the door I look at my dev manager and say:

“Except your guys and ops, they need to be on call to monitor the monitors and you two need to be here in town in case I need you to come in. Myself, Lyn and her new interns will attend and represent the IT department”.

Both manager’s smile and nod on the way out. Daryl and Daryl scurry out to wherever they came from and I shut the door before Lyn can leave.

“You were right, I was wrong – I can’t manage all department heads, my responsibilities and those two…”

Before Lyn could say another word I cut her off.

“Not to worry Lynnie, we’re going to have fun with this one. Go tell the other managers that the two interns now report directly to them. And see if we have any of that remote surveillance stuff from the old building in the basement stacks”.

We’ve got some planning to do…
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Postby Egaladeist » Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:29 pm

In fact, my old boss used to pay me $200 for a viable excuse.

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Postby OMEN » Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:45 pm

dinowuff: genius, pure genius !

Keep them coming - I like these more, over the original BOFH since I don't know half the technology used in anchient BOFH stories.

I also enjoyed ... ofs_1.html it's not that bastardly but still scared me, the kind of "bosses" that are out there.
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Postby Morganlefay » Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:47 pm

We all try to model ourselves after Dino

He is our hero

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When a Bastard does the firing

Postby dinowuff » Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:13 pm

When a Bastard does the firing

Tough economic times call for tough budgeting decisions. Unfortunately the annual “Care and Share” has been cancelled. It’s told that “Barbie” had an “episode” on hearing the news.

All for the best I guess. Lyn found the video surveillance equipment in the basement and seeing how there was no use for it; she started her own little consulting company as a side hobby.

Hugh Company, INC. is in financial straights and this economy certainly isn’t helping. Whole divisions are being slashed, expense reports are being examined with microscopes, and all external training – dinning – events of any type are suspended until further notice. Capital spending is done as is company cars. Saw a few encrypted bids in the CFO’s in box on the corporate jet. The final straw was when the toilet paper in my private bathroom was replaced with something not too different from sand paper.

Now being the bastard I am, I will have this job as long as I like, or at least until the company is sold or goes bankrupt. But I see the writing on the wall and have made a few career decisions.

First – Any title other than System Administrator is worthless. There is nothing better. I feel like Admiral Kirk when he got demoted back down to Captain and given his ship back. (More about that later)

Second – When you’re the Director of IT and you’re off for greener pastures, “Out Sourcing” is not a bad term.

MEMO: From the office of the President

Subject: Salary cost consolidation

Attention all directors:

Effective immediately you will cut your salary expenses by 10% to reach a goal of 50% by the end of next quarter.

Signed President
Copied Board members, VP’s – hell everyone from senior management up.
Well all things being equal. Daryl and his other brother Daryl were gone like a fart in the wind. No severance no thank you not even a final pay check. I informed my three managers they each had to get rid of one – three people in their group.

After getting the list of names and severance packages from HR; then re organizing the IT group, I set a Friday afternoon meeting with Lyn and the other three managers.

“Well everyone, this has certainly been an interesting few weeks. Congratulations to Lyn on her new consulting company, L-Sine Consulting. In light of all the terminations going on I thought I would quickly update the group. You all know me as ‘The Bastard SysAdmin / Director’ well that hasn’t changed...

As of close of business today, Lyn and I are the only ones in this room that are still employed here.”

Chris, my operations manager; Mike, my development manager and Mark, my network manager all looked shocked and a little confused. Turning to Lyn I told her that her responsibilities now included managing all department employees and projects – if they ever get funding again.

Looking at Lyn and then Chris, Mark was the first to speak.

“What the Fuck? You mean you and Lyn alone are going to run this place? Are you out of your mind? You two alone couldn’t possibly manage the remaining employees, and the over whelming requests for services that we already don’t have the manpower to fill.”

Mike chimed in with his usual logical self.

“Dude, you know me, I saw this coming. Hell I have a skeleton staff as it is and no active projects, but Mark is right. Have you been in the CNC lately? Helpdesk is understaffed, phones are ringing off the hook, even if you two could work 24 x 7 you couldn’t maintain all services and handle the customers! Plus, firing us like this is really un-cool.”

Lyn stood up – I swear if I didn’t know her better she was about to cry.

“You know I don’t feel comfortable right now. I think I’m going to head off to the datacenter and leave you four to fight it out.”

“Not so quick,” I said “I’m not done with all the impending termination information.”

Lyn sat back down and I cracked one of the slightest, evil bastard smiles ever. Standing up I handed Mike, Chris and Mark a vanilla envelope containing there severance information asking each of them to quickly review and hold any question until after the meeting. Turning to face Lyn with the final envelope I dropped the bomb.

“Lyn I have accepted a position and System Administrator with another company. Effective at the end of the month you will be in charge. I have informed the executive team of my decision and they support my decision to out source the majority of the IT Group and that you are well equipped to manage the out sourcing.”

After a short pause I asked everyone to open and quickly review the contents of their envelopes.

Returning to my desk I sat and watched as anger and betrayal turn into confusion.

“I mentioned in the beginning of the meeting Lyn’s new company. In honor of that new company I took the liberty of having the company media folk’s here, print new business cards for each of you. Lyn I hope you don’t mind I included everyone’s current title less yours – Mrs. President? And that I also assumed you would need three new employees for your new contract.”

“You mean…” asked Lyn looking wide eyed at the contract in front of her.

“Yup that’s a 5 year contract agreement between Hugh Company INC and L-Sine consulting detailing the needs and requirements that will be fulfilled. I hope the amount is fair?”

“So does anyone have any questions about their severance pay or the outsourcing decision?”

“No – Well then don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out”

I watched as the dumbfounded four walked out of my office. The severance was full medical for one year and full two months pay for each year worked plus a $10,000 thank you bonus to be paid at the end of the year.

The contract between Hugh and L-Sine was $700,000 monthly first year to increase $350,000 each year and all travel reimbursed, with a $500,000 signing and Setup fee. Hell of a savings for the company. And almost double the pay for my four ex employees.

Lol you should see MY severance!

-Questions? I didn’t think so.
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Re: My personal Bastard Stories

Postby keezel » Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:14 am

Dino this stuff is genius. It definitely brightened my day. Now you've got me thinking about the various uses of outsourcing.... =D
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Re: My personal Bastard Stories

Postby Leaf » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:43 pm

Wow, this stuff is nothing short of spectacular. Dino, you should publish these, man:) Or better yet, if they were redone into a comic-book form, there would be cause for cult-following.
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Re: My personal Bastard Stories

Postby cavic555 » Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:11 pm

I did not want to close the browser down, Good writing, Good Read! Please continue.
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Re: My personal Bastard Stories

Postby dinowuff » Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:08 pm

Thanks to everyone. I have another in the works.. That is to say I'm writing it at work instead of on my own time.

Always did want to know what it was like to get paid for writing
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