TAZ Forum Community

Panama Red · **Joined:** Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:14 am **Posts:** 5333

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for
the first time, the proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate,
but you will have to wait until next pay day' boy says 'that's alright
Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

* Bloke getting frisky with his girlfriend says ' Why don't we try the
social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says '
When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'

* Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's
home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed
themselves.

* Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call
me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f*cking mates
with you'

* I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in
front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag
for Life.

* I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a
small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls,
I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK
he's doing it up her arse'

* Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school
yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says
Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't f*ck about at the
crematorium. '

* A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I said ' How can
you tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

* Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home
to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in
my mouth'

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Thu Sep 24, 2009 5:58 pm

Discrimination rears its ugly head

Will it ever end!!!!!!!!

MLF

rapier57 · **Posted:** Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:03 am

Yeah, discrimination! Why can't men get free drinks???? Huh??? Why?????

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:17 pm

Cant remember where I got this....too funny. I wish I could charge these rates

Quote:

Regular (as it were) Prices:

* Calling me with a question --- $10
* Calling me with a stupid question -- $20
* Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
* Implying I'm incompetant because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000+punitive damages
* Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
* Questions where answer is in TFM - $10.00 (this should have been higher :-)

* Questions during Xpilot session - $20.00
* Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
* Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200
* Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
* Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas
* If you interrupt me while I was reading news - $25/hr
* If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen - $35/hr
* If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $45/hr
* If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
* If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
* If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr
* If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr
* If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr
* Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
* Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00
* Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
* Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
* Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00
* Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
* Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10
* Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500
* Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25
* Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50
* Each time you call and start out by saying "I was fooling around on my computer when ..." - $50 + $ 10 /hr to fix the problem + $ 30 /hr to clean up after you.
* Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first -$100 per program
* Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not )
* Calling me to tell me that none of the users in your group can log on without telling me that you placed an order to remove applications for those users $25
* After I find out that you placed the order to DELETE all of your users $1,000 (including $4,000 discount for the hilarity factor)
* Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
* Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200
* Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50
* Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40
* Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25
* Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45
* Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55
* Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
* Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15
* If I wrote the sign - $45
* If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75
* Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00
* Reporting it more than once - $50.00
* Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

"Hardware Problem" Prices:

* Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
* BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
* Telling me that you don't have a hard drive $50
* Spending 15 minutes to find out the size of your hard drive (includes walking you through the process) $100
* Telling me that you don't save anything to the any of the drives, you "just push a button and it goes off into computer land." $50
* Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -$35.00
* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00
* Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
* Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
* Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
* Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00
* Fixing the "hung" systemby plugging the ethernet transciver back in - $375.00
* Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
* Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50
* Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
* Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
* Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
* Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy
* Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
* Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Beeper Prices:

* Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50
* Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $100
* Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200
* Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
* Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25
* Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

* Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour
* Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour
* Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour
* Dealing with computer hobbiests - $125.00/hour

I think some pricing needs to be revised...

MLF

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:32 pm

Never Give up Your Wine

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman
who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it
instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman
asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless
woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I
haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well", said the woman, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby
and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby
be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and
wine."

MLF

outerlimit · **Posted:** Wed Sep 30, 2009 6:48 pm

Quote:

* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00

That is HYSTERICAL!!!!
I can't wait to try to that to someone! XD

Opus · **Posted:** Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:51 pm

What did he say? :shock:

Almost broke my tongue trying to say it

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:57 pm

BEST COME BACK LINE EVER

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop; 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around', He stated in a telephone interview

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin'?

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit .... is it midnight already?'

MLF

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:51 pm

My ex guitar player sent this to me....

Sad...but true :sad:

You know you are too old to play gigs when...

It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or Dolly Parton with no bosom.
All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.
Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
You lost the directions to the gig.
You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
The waitress is your daughter!
You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
Your gig stool has a back.
You're related to at least one member in the band.
You don't let anyone sit in.
You need a nap before the gig.
After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You don't recover from Saturdays gig until Tuesday afternoon.
You hope the host's speech lasts forever
You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or "cool" factor.
Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!
Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.
The set list has to be in 20 point type.
Your drug of choice is now coffee…
It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

MLF

Leaf · **Posted:** Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:03 pm

Morganlefay wrote:

My ex guitar player sent this to me....

Sad...but true :sad:

You know you are too old to play gigs when...

It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or Dolly Parton with no bosom.
All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.
Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
You lost the directions to the gig.
You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
The waitress is your daughter!
You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
Your gig stool has a back.
You're related to at least one member in the band.
You don't let anyone sit in.
You need a nap before the gig.
After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You don't recover from Saturdays gig until Tuesday afternoon.
You hope the host's speech lasts forever
You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or "cool" factor.
Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!
Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.
The set list has to be in 20 point type.
Your drug of choice is now coffee…
It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

MLF

MLF, that's all me:D Ok, not true, maybe 20% applies to me, but I DO need my nap before a show, and that's because all our songs are at least 245bpm...For a 75 minute set, it's no walk in the park.

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:28 pm

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program.
I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high- definition TV thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or
4. beer or
5. tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada .)

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer with her!

O, Canada, I stand on guard for thee.

MLF

Aspman · **Posted:** Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:33 am

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

keezel · **Posted:** Sat Nov 07, 2009 1:57 am

Aspman · **Posted:** Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:48 am

Probably heard it before but it made me cry.

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it...
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

Morganlefay · **Posted:** Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:54 pm

> > Best Drinking Story Ever Told
> > Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood
> > bar in Elliot Lake. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
> > the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around
> > the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After
> > what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles,
> > the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a
> > few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
> > Finally he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
> > night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off. Then switched on the
> > lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
> > then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in
> > their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to
> > drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited
> > all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
> > promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his
> > amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed
> > any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "l'll have to ask you to
> > accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be
> > broken."
> > "I doubt it," said the man. "tonight I'm the designated decoy"

MLF

Home

FAQ

Search

TAZ Forum Community

Login

Register

Options

The Official Joke Thread

Topic Options

Who is online


	TAZ Forum Community For all your Computer and Security Needs