The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 122867Post Ally
Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:24 am

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull-bars at the front of my
Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch..'

'..................................................... You there Boss?

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 122925Post Moxnix
Mon Nov 17, 2008 7:43 pm

Walking on water

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all

Been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar

On the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim

Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out

Of the boat .... And nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk

'cross the lake like my pappy, grandpappy, and his pappy before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,

'Because your pappy, your grandpappy and your great grandpappy

Were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born

In July, you dumbass'.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123018Post Ally
Wed Nov 19, 2008 2:17 am

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that's her, she wasnt that tall!'


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'


An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'


An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123025Post Ally
Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:29 am


Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fxxk you put it!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123038Post Aspman
Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:54 am

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
at Tiffany's today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123049Post Ally
Wed Nov 19, 2008 1:32 pm

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4.. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17..... My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE ..
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123051Post Ally
Wed Nov 19, 2008 1:42 pm

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123081Post keezel
Wed Nov 19, 2008 8:07 pm

@sshole trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123121Post tolkiengamer
Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:41 am

Too good to be true?

A lonely man was reading the classifieds one day after work, when he saw an Ad that seemed too good to be true:

"Single female - $50 for a bj and I can sing at the same time! Satisfaction guarenteed!"

Needless to say, our lonely man (let's just call him Kyle) was determined to receive this one of a kind treatment. He called up Jenny and desperate stated "I need to see you immediately!" He scheduled an appointment for 3:00 the following day

He arrived at this slum house in the middle of a bad neighborhood, regardless of how apprehensive he was of his surroundings, our desperate Kyle needed this experience. He knocked on the door and Jenny warmingly embraced him and led him to a dark room in the back of the house.

She told Kyle to take off his pants and wait in the room for her

Needless to say, Kyle was sitting anxiously on a couch in a pitch black dark room for a matter of seconds before he heard the sound of the door opening and Jenny walking through the door.

She asked him if he was ready and off she went. Within a matter of seconds he heard a magnificent voice began to belt out lyrics that could be deemed angelic and the best part, the ad was true, the pleasure never stopped.

After approximately 3 very long and hard fought minutes our friend Kyle was finished and dashed for the lightswitch to find out how this tantric experience could possibly work.

As the lights came on, Kyle was in shock to see Jenny putting in a glass-eye. :shock:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123129Post Ally
Thu Nov 20, 2008 6:57 am

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, Romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... A vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123141Post Aspman
Thu Nov 20, 2008 11:59 am

I went to the local Premature Ejaculation Society dinner last week

I phoned up and asked if there was a dress code

They said "No, just come in your pants".
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123223Post tolkiengamer
Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:10 am


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123371Post SirDice
Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:32 pm

A man complains to his friend that his elbow hurts so much. "I must see a doctor soon". To which the friend replies. "No, no, you don't have too anymore. There's a machine at the supermarket that can diagnose faster and easier. All you have to do is to give it a urine sample and some money."

The man thinks he's got nothing to loose so he fills up a small bottle with some urine and sets off for the supermarket. Sure enough, right there at the entrance is the machine. He walks up, puts money in the machine and his urine sample. Machine starts buzzing, beeping and flashing like machines do (only in the movies! red. ;) ).. And after a little while a receipt comes rolling out. It said: "You have a tennis elbow. Keep your arm warm for a while and avoid heavy lifting. Within two weeks the pain will be gone."

Later that night the man wondered about how fast technology evolved. How this machine will define the future of the medical profession. Then he starts wondering about how he could influence it, if he could break it. And decides to give it a shot...

So he takes a little used dishwater, some dog poo and a small urine sample from his wife and daughter. For good measure he wanks off and puts that in too. Closes the lid and gives it a couple of good shakes. Runs to the supermarket, puts his money in and his little 'experiment'. Machine does its now familiar routine and sure enough a receipt came out..

"Your water is too hard, too much calcium. Use a water softener. Your dog has worms, get some medication at the vet. Your daughter is on drugs. Help her to get detoxed. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father. Get a good lawyer. And if you don't stop wanking off, your tennis elbow will never heal!"
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123418Post DaFoxx
Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:32 pm

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the wor ld, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123438Post Aspman
Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:07 pm

You're probably a graduate if =

- You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

- Your cubicle is better decorated than your apartment.

- You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.

- You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

- You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

- You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

- Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

- You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

- You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.

- There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."

- You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

- You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

- You look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.

- You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

- You consider all papers to be works in progress.

- Professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

- You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

- You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

- You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

- You reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

- You find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".

- You start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."

- You frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy

- You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry

- You have more photocopy cards than credit cards

- You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication"
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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