The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123439Post Aspman
Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:09 pm

Evolution of British Maths Teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟


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- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123440Post Morganlefay
Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:21 pm

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose. 'While this was on the edge of intolerable,

She kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said 'You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!'

:mrgreen:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123467Post Panama Red
Wed Nov 26, 2008 11:17 pm

A very ugly man walks into his local with a big grin on his face.



'So what are you so happy about then?' asks the barman.



'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well , on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied down to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.



Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'



'Fantastic!' exclaimed the barman. 'You lucky bastard, was she pretty?'



'Dunno....... never found her her head.'
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123560Post keezel
Sat Nov 29, 2008 5:20 am

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge and it killed him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I slipped and I fell over the edge! I managed to catch the railing of the balcony on the floor below me and I considered myself fairly lucky until suddenly this lunatic burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and he started pounding on my hands! Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, a God damn refrigerator comes falling out of fucking NOWHERE and crushes me instantly, so now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding butt naked inside this refrigerator..."
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Find the Canadian

Post: # 123631Post dinowuff
Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:53 pm

A FAVORITE GAME IN FLORIDA

It's time to play 'Find the Canadian!'

This week's challenge is especially difficult. View the candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you 'Find the Canadian!'

Do you have the skill?

Do you have the ability?

Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?

Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?

Taking notes is permissible but try to limit your time to no more than 5 minutes!

Good luck!

























































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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123632Post Opus
Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:20 pm

can't view photobucket from work
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Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123647Post Ally
Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:38 pm

^^ LMAO :lol:

Kinda like 'Spot the Pomme' in Australia.
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Dynamite

Post: # 123667Post Moxnix
Tue Dec 02, 2008 7:57 am

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123668Post Ally
Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:08 am

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host
said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the
croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the
croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the
croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it', said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'


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Colin said, "I want the bastard who pushed me in".'
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123669Post Aspman
Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:19 am

McDonnell Douglas Survey

This was posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...)

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Title:
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .................................................. ...
Initial: ........
Last Name: .................................................. ....
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: .................................................. ....
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (Iraq)
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
(Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123671Post Ally
Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:49 pm

I saw that Asp :mrgreen:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123839Post dinowuff
Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:51 pm

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.

And what about the third rose?' she asked.

That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123865Post Ally
Sat Dec 06, 2008 10:00 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123986Post Aspman
Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:29 pm

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign shows :
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that: love sex.
The first second has wives that: love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 123991Post keezel
Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:18 pm

"My doctor took one look at my blood type and told me that I was a typo."

Probably not all that humorous but somehow I got a kick out of that little quote.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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