The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
User avatar
keezel
Jedi Bastard
Posts: 477
Joined: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:56 am
Location: Atlanta

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125917Post keezel
Wed Feb 04, 2009 9:58 pm

Supposedly a true story. Not so sure about that.



An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

User avatar
Ally
Our Lady of the Bay
Posts: 2405
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:43 am
Location: N.S.W. Australia

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125943Post Ally
Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:50 am

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN in AUSTRALIA

> *August 31
>
> *Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
> Cairns , North Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live!
> Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sun rise
> from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally
> found my new home. I love it here.
>
>
> *September 13 *
>
> Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
> air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
> see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
>
>
> *September 30th *
>
> Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
> and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I
> love it here.
>
>
> *October 10th *
>
> The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
> this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies
> off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
>
>
> *October 15th *
>
> Fell asleep by the pool yesterday Got third degree burns over 60% of my
> body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to
> respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
>
>
> *October 20th *
>
> Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for
> work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty
> had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
> upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've
> learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
>
>
> *October 25 *
>
> This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And
> it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the
> repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
> parts from fuckin' Perth.
>
>
> *October 30th *
>
> The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for
> the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights
> now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell
> did I ever come here?
>
>
> *November 4 *
>
> Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
> temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel
> about 30.
> Stupid repairman.
>
>
> *November 8 *
>
> If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to
> fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the
> car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I
> smell like baked cat!
>
>
> *November 9 *
>
> Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
> leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on
> fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs
> and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and
> baked cat!
>
>
> *November 10 *
>
> Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny.
> Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything
> for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up
> next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water
> restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up
> and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this
> hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear
> of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
>
>
> *November 20th *
>
> Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air
> conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
> 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage
> payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker.
> Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to
> live here!
>
>
> *December 1 *
>
> WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

User avatar
Morganlefay
I've posted HOW many
Posts: 3718
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 7:36 am
Are you a Spammer: No
Location: Avalon Canada

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125962Post Morganlefay
Thu Feb 05, 2009 4:41 pm

>WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER WRITE AN ADVICE COLUMN
>
> Dear Bill
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
> my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
> than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
> shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
>
> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
> the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's
> daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years!
>
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
> having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
>would
> leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he
>has
> been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
>much,
> but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
> distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through
>to
> him anymore.
>
> Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Sheila
>
> ******************************
> Dear Sheila:
>
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
> debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
> hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
>none
> of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
> itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
>
> I hope this helps,
>
>Bill

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125979Post Aspman
Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:01 am

A man walks into Ann Summers (think Agent Provocateur but much more down market) to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked -
return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
keezel
Jedi Bastard
Posts: 477
Joined: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:56 am
Location: Atlanta

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125993Post keezel
Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:47 am

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs
Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the
bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt
and a car hit me.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

User avatar
keezel
Jedi Bastard
Posts: 477
Joined: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:56 am
Location: Atlanta

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125994Post keezel
Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:56 am

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

User avatar
Ally
Our Lady of the Bay
Posts: 2405
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:43 am
Location: N.S.W. Australia

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125996Post Ally
Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:20 am

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126065Post Aspman
Mon Feb 09, 2009 3:20 pm

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. And as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window again she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light when he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.......

........Hi, my name is Gary and I'm driving a gritter
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
Opus
I type, therefore I am
Posts: 935
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:50 pm
Location: United States, Mississippi

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126066Post Opus
Mon Feb 09, 2009 3:45 pm

Had to Google that one
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

User avatar
Opus
I type, therefore I am
Posts: 935
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:50 pm
Location: United States, Mississippi

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126067Post Opus
Mon Feb 09, 2009 4:00 pm

This is no joke, but I'll post here anyways, this is awesome stuff and it's safe for work, make sure you have sound on so you can hear what they say.
http://www.bestofyoutube.com/story.php? ... of-nfl-ads
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

User avatar
Panama Red
I come Unseen
Posts: 5469
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:14 am

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126079Post Panama Red
Mon Feb 09, 2009 6:22 pm

Good luck pronouncing some of these..... :mrgreen:


The Chaos
By Gerard Nolst Trenité

"This is a major work showing some 800 inconsistencies in English spelling.
If you can read this poem fluently, you have probably mastered reading English!"


Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say – said, pay – paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.

From ‘desire’: desirable – admirable from ‘admire’,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation’s OK.
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
Would it tally with my rhyme
If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
You’ll envelop lists, I hope,
In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You’ll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with ’shirk it’ and ‘beyond it’,
But it is not hard to tell
Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

‘Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker’,
Quoth he, ‘than liqueur or liquor’,
Making, it is sad but true,
In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn’t) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don’t be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint,
Mind the Z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don’t mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny rhymes to unicorn,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don’t want to speak of Cholmondeley.
No. Yet Froude compared with proud
Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
But you’re not supposed to say
Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
Episodes, antipodes,
Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don’t monkey with the geyser,
Don’t peel ‘taters with my razor,
Rather say in accents pure:
Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
Wan, sedan and artisan.

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.
Say then these phonetic gems:
Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget ‘em &ndash:
Wait! I’ve got it: Anthony,
Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight – you see it;
With and forthwith, one has voice,
One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
Bona fide, alibi
Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Rally with ally; yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess – it is not safe,
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
Face, but preface, then grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
With the sound of saw and sauce;
Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
Respite, spite, consent, resent.
Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation &ndash: think of Psyche!
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
Won’t it make you lose your wits
Writing groats and saying ‘grits’?

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington, and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough?

Hiccough has the sound of sup.
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!
Image

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126228Post Aspman
Fri Feb 13, 2009 12:53 pm

Image
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126230Post Aspman
Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:37 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the

billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

Moxnix
Going out is soo last millenium
Posts: 204
Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 9:45 am
Location: Huson Mt.
Contact:

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126242Post Moxnix
Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:18 am

Beers For Geeks

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.

Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway
Image

User avatar
keezel
Jedi Bastard
Posts: 477
Joined: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:56 am
Location: Atlanta

Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126340Post keezel
Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:06 am

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

Post Reply