The Official Joke Thread

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129533Post keezel
Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:11 am

Kinda blunt but I liked it.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.


Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129534Post keezel
Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:13 am

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129535Post keezel
Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:15 am

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129536Post keezel
Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:18 am

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: Ken's stuff.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129618Post Morganlefay
Wed Jun 24, 2009 3:34 pm

Sharon Stone said it best:

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men
can fake whole relationships."

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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keezel
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Re: indiana website hosting

Post: # 129690Post keezel
Fri Jun 26, 2009 3:55 am

[quote edited out by |3lack|ce]

Now that's sly. Instead of pure flat out spamming, someone creates an account, finds an easy way to contribute juuuuust enough to eek by, and puts a link in their sig.

[addedit]Yes it was, which it why it was deleted - and that particular user will be banned I'm sure. Even fluffy contributions don't outweigh the foul taste of SPAM - |ce [/addedit]
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129700Post Aspman
Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:08 am

It must have taken about 30 seconds before they started --

---

Michael Jackson was taken unwell this evening, reports say. It was later confirmed that he died, the hospital said "We thought he might Beat It"

---

It doesn't really matter if he's black or white, cause he is cold and blue now......

---

Just wondering what happened to him,

Will they blame it on the sunshine,
Wil they blame it on the moon light,
Will they blame it on the good times,
Or wil they blame it on the boogie?

---

Reports are coming in that he may have died of food poisoning. It seems he was fond of eating 12 year old nuts

---

Michael Jackson has had to cancel his upcoming London dates, they were with James aged 11 and Tom aged 12

---

Micheal Jackson put in his will that he wants to have his ashes put into a doll so the children can play with him for a change

---

New album with remixes including "heart.... beat it, just beat it.....", "don't matter if youre dead or blue", "you know im dead im dead you know it" and new single "achy breaky heart"

---

You couldnt make it up, Elton John after being told at a black tie function tonight of michael jacksons death decided to play in memory of michael "don't let the sun go down on me"

---

http://www.ismichaeljacksonalive.com/

---

What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Sir Alex will still be playing Giggs next season.

---

rumour has it he didnt die of a heart attack, but was visiting a childrens hospital and had a stroke.......

---

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children to be safe, so God killed Michael Jackson

:o)

---

Michael Jacksons family have been asked what colour coffin they want him buried in, they said it doesn’t matter if it’s black or white.

---
McDonald’s is bringing out a new burger …”Michael Jackson Burger”…
It has 50 yr old dead meat inside 5 yr old buns.

---

I feel so sorry for him, all so sudden, and a couple of days before he was due to go on a vacation to Florida. Off to Tampa with the kids.

---

Michael Jackson was very much like Santa; they both leave children's rooms with empty sacks…

---

Jackson 5 Reunion Tickets ....... Now 20% Off
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129720Post Aspman
Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:29 pm

I heard he died of food poisoning.... he ate a 6 year old weiner

---

Jockeys at tomorrow’s Flemington meeting will wear black armbands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory

---

At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to his upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s been trying to quit for a while.

---

Apparently Jackson wanted to be buried at sea, with 2 buoys attached

---

Apparently his last words were “take me to the children’s ward”
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129727Post Panama Red
Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:30 pm

Image
Image

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129912Post keezel
Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:13 am

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129913Post keezel
Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:29 am

Children's Books That Didn't Make It


-- Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU
-- The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched
-- Some Kittens Can Fly
-- You Can Paint Anywhere!
-- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
-- Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her
-- The Attention Deficit
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 130024Post rapier57
Tue Jul 14, 2009 5:26 am

OK, I got this from my half-sister. She is a regular pistol. I accused her of dragging all these out of her diary from the old days with her ex. Haven't heard back yet ...

I suppose that is when the fight will start ...


==========
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What's on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And that's when the fight started....

....................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

....................


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

....................


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's when the fight started....


.....................


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy Crap. That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”

And that's when the fight started...

.....................


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream...

And that s when the fight started....

....................


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.” And that's when the fight started....


.....................


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....


....................


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that's when the fight started....


....................


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

And that's when the fight started...


.....................


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....


.....................


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started....


.....................


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


@rapier57

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 130079Post Aspman
Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:19 pm

Whilst watching the television the other night, my wife and I mistook our usual beverage for a bottle of Paraquat. Luckily we both saw the fungicide.'
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 130326Post cheapscotchron
Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:19 pm

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God
was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found Him resting on the
seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've
made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth,
"For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.. The Middle
East over there will be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to
different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and
while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
to a large land mass with an ocean a T its border and said,
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "that's the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place
on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate.
The people from the Jersey Shore are going to be modest, intelligent,
and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving
people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!
Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this
place you call the Jersey Shore "
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the
assholes I'm sending down from New York every summer."
Tis better to be boozed than bruised

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 130733Post Moxnix
Fri Aug 14, 2009 10:18 pm

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey..

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.

Expect less



NOW ............


Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this
page, or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.
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