The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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Aspman
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Post: # 46300Post Aspman
Wed Nov 08, 2006 12:01 pm

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Shippwreck
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Post: # 46302Post Shippwreck
Wed Nov 08, 2006 12:37 pm

Those are great... although i have to take exception to the conjoined twin one... Now if they are joied at the shoulder... then they would have an ass each... They would need to be joied at the hip/waist area in order to only have one ass... and even then they would look far odder than most conjoined twins...

Ahhh i'm in a picky mood :wink:
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SchoolDaGeek
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Post: # 46368Post SchoolDaGeek
Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:15 pm

Yeah, and it doesn't take two brains to figure that one out either!

Here here!

Sick jokes demand immediate action. I'd be more concerned about how they bathe, and why the doctor's allowed them to grow up attached if it is only a shoulder/arm they would lose.
"My karma just ran over your dogma."

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burn
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Post: # 46415Post burn
Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:40 am

It took me a while to realize why only the blondes were confused in that earlier pic. :D

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Aspman
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Post: # 46527Post Aspman
Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:27 pm

Don't know the background to lots of these but...

http://www.knitemare.org/cats/
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Vorlin
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Post: # 46535Post Vorlin
Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:35 pm

Haha, some of them are really good but the spelling is atrocious! Good laughs though, hehe...
In the world of protection, one thing is for sure: security = 1 / convenience.

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dinowuff
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Post: # 46672Post dinowuff
Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:52 pm

Three boys were playing on the playground. First boy says "I have a new game. It's called weenies".

The other two ask how the game is played and the first explains that all you have to do is pull your wiener out and let the others have a look.

Everyone agrees and the first kid unzips his pants and lets it hang out. The two others look and don't say much. Then the Italian kid lays his out and the other two comment that it's impressive.

Then the Redneck pulls his out and the others comment on how massive his is.

Later that evening the Redneck is eating dinner and his mom asks what his day was like. He explains what he did and all about the new game he played with his friends. Then he asks his mother:

"Mom, is the reason I have such a big dick because I'm a redneck"?

To which his mother replies:

"No - boy! It's because you're 32 years old".
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No lusers were harmed in the creation of this Taz Zone Post.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
09:F9:11:02:9D:74:E3:5B:D8:41:56:C5:63:56:88:C0

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Panama Red
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Post: # 46758Post Panama Red
Sat Nov 11, 2006 2:10 pm

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he

Kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house.

He had a cock and about ten hens.


One Saturday night the cock was missing and as that was the time he
suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do
something about it at church the next morning.


At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.


"No no" he said.


That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"


All the women stood up.


"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock that doesn't belong to them."


Half the women stood up.

"No no" he said


"That wasn't what I meant either.


Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up. :shock:
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DaFoxx
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Post: # 46759Post DaFoxx
Sat Nov 11, 2006 2:55 pm

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a huge bedroom in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and
hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be
hung like a black man is beyond me."

now THAT had to offend quite a few
back in a while to get the rest of you :)
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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DaFoxx
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Post: # 47726Post DaFoxx
Fri Nov 17, 2006 7:09 pm

http://www.b3ta.com

absolutely NOT WF

and could cause dangerous laughing spasms
I found it at work :shock:

NOT my cleverest surf
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Aspman
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TSA

Post: # 48197Post Aspman
Wed Nov 22, 2006 10:48 am

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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DaFoxx
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Post: # 48198Post DaFoxx
Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:44 am

Daddy agrees to look after the kids whilst wifey goes shopping
I'll feed em dinner, no worries, he says.

checking in the fridge he finds a nice joint of deer meat, and thinks to himself that it would make a great dinner

he spends a couple of hours chopping slicing and dicing to prepare the feast

as he gets the kids to sit at the table, they ask the question

what IS it daddy ?

well kids, it's meat

but what KIND of meat, the kids demand

well, says daddy, it has the same name as that word that mummy uses when she is talking about me :)

whereupon the kids get up and leave the table

whats up ? asks daddy

they turn to look into his eyes, and say ........














we are NOT eating a fecking arsehole ..................
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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harrykeavan
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Post: # 48339Post harrykeavan
Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:26 am

Bill Gates at Heaven's Gate:

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also abused your talents by creating a greedy and exploitative monopoly. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at Hell first?"

St. Peter showed him a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. Everywhere he looked, there were technological amenities to make life convenient and entertaining. St. Peter gave him a handheld remote control, about the size of a stick of gum, and explained that if he ever got tired of lying on the beach, all he needed to do was click a button on the remote and he had the option of skiing in Aspen, sailing a sky-blue ocean onboard a sleek sailboat, or lounging in a lavish mansion. He could travel freely, anywhere in space and time, witness the birth of the planet Earth, the discovery of fire, Mozart performing before the King of Prussia, even watch a supernova or an entire galaxy being devoured by a black hole, right before his very own eyes. In fact, any experience in the universe was available to him instantly, at the click of a button. "Where would you like to go today?" St. Peter joked.

Bill was impressed. "This is just like the Holodeck," he mused.

St. Peter explained, "There's more. At the click of this button, every broadcast transmission from anywhere on Earth is available for viewing, fully translated into fluent English. Every videogame system ever conceived by man is also available, and forget playing it on a TV screen. Just click that button and you're in the game."

Bill noticed a button on the remote, labeled "Linus." Bill thought it strange that a button would be named Linus, so he asked what it was for. With a wry smile, St. Peter invited him to go ahead and click it. In an instant, he found himself in a room with Linus Torvalds tethered to a stake in the middle of the floor, naked, shivering and grovelling before him. St. Peter explained, "He's all yours. You're free to boss him around, berate and degrade him, violate him carnally in any way you choose." Bill liked this idea. Suddenly, an amazing realization hit him...

"If this is Hell," Gates explained, "I want to see Heaven!"

Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels praying and playing golden harps. "Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but actually I think I prefer Hell."

Suddenly, Bill found himself hanging shackled to a rough stone wall, surrounded by shooting flames. Strong sulphur fumes burned his nostrils and wails of agony filled his ears. He was being forced to eat wadded up printouts of End User License Agreements by the bitter damned souls of Chinese pirates, while mocking demons used white-hot needles to brand 25-character alphanumeric activation codes onto every square inch of his body.

"HELP!!!" cried Bill.

Satan himself appeared, and welcomed him to eternal damnation.

Bill pleaded with The Devil, crying, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one St. Peter showed me, with the girls and fine food and the technological wonders?"

"Oh, that," Satan replied with a chuckle. "That was just the pre-release demonstration."

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Panama Red
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Post: # 48436Post Panama Red
Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:39 pm

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My
family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs. It
was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate, not fascinating".Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."The teacher
said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before.She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate",so she called on
him.Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but
her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.

---------------------------------------------------

Are these funny or what...don't you wish you could think this fast??


FromWinning Smart Answers For 2005


Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."
*****************
Smart Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*******************
Smart Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.



*******************

Smart Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


*******************



#1 SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR
2005.......................



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.
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Panama Red
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Post: # 48532Post Panama Red
Fri Nov 24, 2006 8:37 pm

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine Sargent were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three rectal orifices report that I was the aggressor?"
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