The Official Joke Thread

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The Official Joke Thread

Postby Egaladeist » Tue Dec 27, 2005 10:40 am

If you have a joke you'd like to share with the rest of us...and it's actually funny...don't clutter up the forums with threads...post your joke here!

This is not open for replies...just for posting jokes (like our What?! You Must Be Joking! Blog ).

If your joke is on the offensive side you might want to ask for an invite to join our two humor blogs...

What !? you must be Joking !
Silly Puddy and Stuff

deletion is at the sole discretion of the Mods and Administrators


..............................................................................................
Last edited by Egaladeist on Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby DaFoxx » Thu Dec 29, 2005 8:50 pm

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Postby DaFoxx » Thu Dec 29, 2005 8:56 pm

Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights
back!

Tell your friends the 90's man is dead...... Long Live the Man of 2006!!

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse
down to a gym!

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down!

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare
to comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present..... again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.

7. Shopping is NOT a sport.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with that particular dress.

12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent
argument.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all the bloody
chocolate you eat!!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly NOT going to deter us from
reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies in magazines are all gay.

21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these
ways makes you sad and angry, ... we meant the other one.

22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how
pretty you are?

23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
commercial breaks.

24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does
not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to
finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say, 'No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any' .... and then eat half of mine!

26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

27. If you're on a diet, it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food!

28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer
and cold lager. Please ensure that all meals contain a good balance of the
above in acceptable quantities -everything else falls under the category
'garnish'

29. Do not question our sense of direction.

30. All girls wearing tops that are either tight fitting / low cut / with slogan / with picture etc., lose the right to complain about having their breasts stared at.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level
based on love and mutual respect.

The ball's in your court.

Sincerely,

The Lads.
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Postby DaFoxx » Thu Dec 29, 2005 9:00 pm

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Women's version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my
long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
----------------------------------
Men's version:

Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Yeah.
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Postby DaFoxx » Sat Dec 31, 2005 1:04 am

Should you be institutionalized??



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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Postby Kwiep » Sat Dec 31, 2005 1:17 am

Men haircut is more like this:

man 1: got attacked by a lawnmower?!

man 2: ... :x
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Women ARE Evil

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:57 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair".

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. :D
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Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:01 pm

Important Warning for Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans and from taps and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim
to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are
male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the
details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you,

just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:08 pm

Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after ! finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the bunch ----

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Bra Invention:

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:12 pm

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.
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Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:16 pm

Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated and Saddam has been
captured, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the
attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay . . . the restauranteur
Guday . . . the half-Australian brother
Huray . . . the sports fanatic
Sashay . . . the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay . . . the twins from the African mother
Sayhay . . . the baseball player
Ojay . . . the stalker/murderer
Gulay . . . the singer/entertainer
Ebay . . . the internet czar
Biliray . . . the country music star
Ecksray . . . the radiologist
Puray . . . the blender factory owner
Regay . . . the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay . . . the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Lattay . . . the coffee shop owner
Bufay . . . the 300 pound sister
Dushay . . . the clean sister
Phayray . . . the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway . . . the grocery store owner
Ollay . . . the half-mexican sister
Gudlay . . . the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
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Being a MAN

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:39 pm

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. Seeya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
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Postby Egaladeist » Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:05 am

Little Melinda was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
doing,

he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Melinda?"

"My goldfish died," replied Melinda tearfully, without looking up.
"I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish
isn't it?"



Melinda patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your fu*king cat."
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Postby |3lack|ce » Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:15 pm

Found on voyeurweb. Thought y'all might like it :D
Ladies night at the strip club:

Last night, my female friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going but, fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my purse. What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!
The one thing a customer service specialist can never teach is 'being nice.'
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Postby |3lack|ce » Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:35 pm

and another:

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"
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