The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Tue Aug 16, 2011 4:48 pm

A Glaswegian went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn’t like Glaswegians .
The game warden ordered the Glaswegian to show his hunting license, and the Glaswegian pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?”
The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got aNova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Glaswegian reached into his wallet and brought out a Nov Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Glaswegian “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Glaswegian smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:21 pm

heheheheh.....

We soap dodgers a smart arses too :kiss:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:36 am

says it all really
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:40 am

now THIS man needs an iPod :shock: :mad: :galdancin:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby |The|Specialist » Tue Sep 13, 2011 6:41 pm

So an irishman walks out of a bar and...
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:31 am

Getting near the festive season, I thought that my experience last week may be of interest..

Some of us may have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.

Well I for one have done something about it.

The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks and having had far too much beer, and knowing full well I was possibly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before.

I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I have never driven a bus before.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby |The|Specialist » Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:27 pm

hahahahah ...I like it Ronny
Thats what she said...

* Plays the theme song to The Office and rolls credits *
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Postby DaFoxx » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:06 am

made me laff anyway :D
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:17 pm

CONQUER THE SCOTS...

Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,

There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.

'Ya English diddies!' he yells.'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed.. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'

The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.


Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'

Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.

His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.

'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.

'It's a trap!


There's fooken two of them!

:mrgreen:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby SirDice » Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:37 pm

LOL

Speaking of Scots.. Not sure if I should post it in the "what are you listening to" thread or here. Since it's quite funny I'll post it here :mrgreen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhFRgTlf6jE

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:55 pm

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:15 am

ahhh me scottish roots are showing.. :galdancin:


Have loved this clip since the first time I saw it years ago....specially the line

"to give you some fookin hope"

Robin Williams on scots and golf

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 0043947603


still makes me laugh

and brings back memories of an olde friend who first showed it to me....

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:57 am

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby cheapscotchron » Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:20 pm

Tis better to be boozed than bruised
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby SirDice » Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:31 pm

Our security auditor is an idiot, how do I give him the information he wants?

A security auditor for our servers has demanded the following within two weeks:
  • A list of current usernames and plain-text passwords for all user accounts on all servers
  • A list of all password changes for the past six months, again in plain-text
  • A list of "every file added to the server from remote devices" in the past six months
  • The public and private keys of any SSH keys
  • An email sent to him every time a user changes their password, containing the plain text password


http://serverfault.com/questions/293217 ... -he-wants/
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