The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:59 pm

SirDice wrote:http://serverfault.com/questions/293217/our-security-auditor-is-an-idiot-how-do-i-give-him-the-information-he-wants/


FFS
I am NO expert, but even my limited experience / knowledge is aware that passwords are not available
short version
that was a HELL of a read
and I really hope said fool gets his tickets pulled [ or lights punched out ]
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby SirDice » Fri Mar 09, 2012 11:16 am

Yeah, I hope that company doesn't last long. What an idiot.

Would be utter hell trying to deal with a moron like that but it's a lot of laughs reading about it when it's not you that's involved :mrgreen:
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby dinowuff » Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:56 pm

God I needed that...

Thanks Dice Last week and this week doesn't look so bad now
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:01 pm

Frank Carson was a great comic, Irish and fast ....... great with the one liners, below are a few of his better known :o)

A Eulogy to Frank Carson - it's the way he told them!



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Wed Mar 21, 2012 3:13 am

Sadly I can relate to this...:D


The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and
he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For *#+<#* sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby rapier57 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 5:22 am

That is a classic! Loved it!
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Thu Apr 26, 2012 4:39 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a woman from the Philippines. He gave her orders that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Thailand. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, clothes laundered, and hot food on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:30 pm

That's not a joke that's a statement of fact!
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby rapier57 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:02 pm

Yeah, Sheepherder knows that by direct experience.

:harhar:
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Sat May 05, 2012 8:15 pm

latest in a long line of 'Tazzed' :hysterical: review threads from Amazon

this is for a hair removal cream
do not have drink in mouth when reading
NSFW as your howls of laughter are off putting to staff :D

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews ... ewpoints=1
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Sun May 06, 2012 10:31 pm

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Tue May 08, 2012 11:43 pm

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my f*****g FROG!"..........!!!!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Wed May 09, 2012 12:31 am

Two Welsh Girls in a Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night. I had a few...
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
Then the lights went out. :rolf6: :rolf6: :rolf6:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Wed May 09, 2012 12:35 am

By the time you get to the end - believe me... you WILL understand!!!

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meelk?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

And you do, don't you!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Fri Jul 20, 2012 6:33 pm

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land.

The leader of the captors announced, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing
squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman replied: "I'd like to hear God Save The Queen just one more time to remind me of my country, sung in the style of the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers dancing to the tune."

The Irishman responded with, "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of my country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with the Riverdance Dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

Next the Welshman replied, "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of my country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

Finally the Scotsman said, "Can I be shot first, please".

:mrgreen:

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