The Official Joke Thread

[cheapscotchron]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

[cheapscotchron]

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

[cheapscotchron]

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

[Aspman]

Ferrari’s Glasgow Team
The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow. The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Aspman]

Sometimes Dilbert is just class

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2010-05 ... y+Strip%29



Doesn't even need the third panel.

[rockgangster]

Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.

What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar

[Aspman]

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends first grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?'

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?''

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.''

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the f******‚

[Aspman]

I was in the pub the other night telling the old joke about
"what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?,
throw in your washing!", we were all having a good laugh
about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder
and said "excuse me mate but I don't find that funny. My brother
was an epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit"
"I'm ever so sorry mate", I said, "did he drown?"
"No", replied the man, "he choked on a sock"

[DaFoxx]

My sexy new Chinese neighbour told me she needed a good Roger
so it was pants OFF, and action stations before she managed to explain that all she wanted was to rent out her spare room

[dinowuff]

My sexy new Chinese neighbour told me she needed a good Roger
so it was pants OFF, and action stations before she managed to explain that all she wanted was to rent out her spare room

Boo - Hisssssssss - Boo

[Morganlefay]

Why you being such a grump Mr Wuff??

MLF

[Panama Red]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'

[Morganlefay]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side,
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

MLF

[Morganlefay]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTION

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.



MLF

[Morganlefay]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE ~ I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a
Well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
High-powered vacuum cleaners...

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
And pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they
Cut off my electricity this morning."



MLF