The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135357Post Aspman
Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:11 pm

…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child ' commercials!
…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
…My ATM gave me an IOU!
…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
…If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
…McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
…My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
…A picture is now only worth 200 words.
…They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."
…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
…The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
…Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
.....I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centrein Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...


"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135358Post Morganlefay
Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:27 pm

Add another to that list

Someone stole my identity and it ruined their life..
...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centrein Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
That is fookin priceless....almost spewed coffee all over the place

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135567Post keezel
Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:53 pm

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Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135781Post dinowuff
Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:00 pm

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No lusers were harmed in the creation of this Taz Zone Post.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
09:F9:11:02:9D:74:E3:5B:D8:41:56:C5:63:56:88:C0

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135996Post Morganlefay
Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:06 pm

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 135999Post Harry
Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:29 pm

Sitting here working until midnight writting a report- number 13 made me laugh as that happened to me not 10 minutes ago :)#

Back to being depressed now :paranoid1:
Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system..

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136003Post Aspman
Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:22 pm

German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he

had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is

paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the

room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it

is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....

























Four-sprung Duck technique
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136025Post Morganlefay
Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:22 pm

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136027Post Aspman
Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:08 pm

^have you been reading |ce's diary?
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136034Post Morganlefay
Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:24 pm

What is a calorie??


Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

:mrgreen:

MLF
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136041Post Morganlefay
Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:45 pm

Try Before Buying Implants

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wFhSbJWWZM


hahahahahah

Tami
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136124Post Panama Red
Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:15 pm

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?



>He turned to his wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

>She replied,'Awe Jock that's nice-are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

>'Nay', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the heater off while I'm out.' :mrgreen:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136157Post Aspman
Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:17 am

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started...
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136161Post keezel
Fri Dec 10, 2010 4:10 pm

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Last edited by keezel on Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Panama Red
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 136162Post Panama Red
Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:17 am

Subject: Proud to be Nova Scotian



After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto

scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came

to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network

more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Ontarians, in the weeks that followed, a
Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
story published in the Vancouver Morning Herald read: "BC archaeologists,
finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years
earlier than the Torontonians".



One week later, the Halifax Chronicle Herald, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Dominion, Cape Breton,
Billy 'Pickle Arse' MacNeil, a self-taught archaeologist, found absolutely
fuck all. Pickle Arse has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Cape
Breton had already gone wireless." :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :rolf6:



Just makes you bloody proud to be a Nova Scotian & brings a tear to
the eye!
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