The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51544Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:26 am

one day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

when they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

the chief then said "all of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

so after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. the cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. he had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. he was soon killed.

later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. the cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. after to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

the first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "why did you start laughing? you only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

the second guy answered while still laughing, "i couldn't help it. i saw the third guy walking in with pineapples"


The Dodo Of Death Has Cometh!

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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51545Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:28 am

ten things not to tell your girlfriend

10. come on, whos gonna find out?

9. i promise you wont choke.

8. can I get you in the pooper?

7. trust me, I'm a professional.

6. well your sister likes it like that.

5. wow look at the ass on her!

4. now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. i gotta poop.

2. oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
The Dodo Of Death Has Cometh!

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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51546Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:32 am

a women was pregnant with triplets and one day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

she goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right as one day the bullets will come out.

so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!" so the mother tells her the story.

the next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!"

on the third day the son comes out and says "mum, mum!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies

"no i was jerking off and i shot the dog!"
The Dodo Of Death Has Cometh!

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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51548Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:40 am

two blondes are waiting at a bus stop when a bus pulls up and opens the door. one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:

"will this bus take me to 5th avenue?'' the bus driver shakes his head and says "no, im sorry."

at this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "will it take ME?"
The Dodo Of Death Has Cometh!

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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51549Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:42 am

q: how did the blonde die drinking milk?

a: the cow sat down.
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51550Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:44 am

q: how do you confuse a blonde?

a: write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51552Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:49 am

im not really one for dead baby jokes but when i was told this i crapped myself laughing

what is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?

the wall behind it.
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51554Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:03 am

a duck walks into a bar and asks: "got any Bread?"

barman: "no."

duck: "got any bread?"

barman: "no."

duck: "got any bread?"

barman: "no, we have no bread."

duck: "got any bread?"

barman: "no we haven't got any f*cking bread."

duck: "got any bread?"

barman: "no, are you deaf?! we haven't got any f*cking bread. ask me again and ill nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a f*cking bird!"

duck: "got any nails?"

barman: "no"

duck: "got any bread?
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51555Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:10 am

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51556Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:11 am

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm? yeeeeeesss. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ff****kkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff?
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51557Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:12 am

a joke for the men

what do you do with a years worth of used condoms?


melt them turn them into tyre and call it a goodyear.
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Jennifer The Dodo
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Post: #51560Post Jennifer The Dodo
Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:28 am

say this to someone you hate:

you used to be arrogant and obnoxious but now you are just the opposite.

wait for their reply then put this:

you are obnoxious and arrogant.
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Aspman
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Post: #51585Post Aspman
Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:11 pm

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?

llamanated

What do you call a very fast llama?

a llamagini

I had a thought these might appeal to someone around here....can't think who :?:
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Aspman
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Post: #51632Post Aspman
Mon Dec 18, 2006 4:29 pm

I posted these elsewhere but they suit here better.

They are jokes BTW, from the the TV show 'Harry Enfield and friends'. Worth looking up some other stuf of Harry's on Youtube and 'The Fast Show' is another to look for.


Women know your limits

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lrJg8NMsFw

Women Keep Your Virtue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ0jRuASVEQ

Women for pity sake don't drive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-892c_QXfs

<heads for the airport.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Morganlefay
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Post: #51641Post Morganlefay
Mon Dec 18, 2006 5:14 pm

Asp

Image

Kinda says it all ;)

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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