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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:56 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
lol i love the llamanated one. amazing

Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 4:05 am
by Vorlin
ROFL! I laughed my happy american @$$ off, hah!

Good stuff, J...good stuff. I'm always up for a good joke and hope the others on here are too!

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:10 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
i always am. especially either incredibly rude or incredibly funny jokes...

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:15 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
what do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

a c0ck that stays up all night

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:16 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
what do you get when you cross a crocodile with a parrot?

an animal that bites your b*ll*cks off and says "whos a clever boy then"

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:19 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
woman: ill come all the way from london
man: good trick if you can do it...

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:28 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
woman one: you look happy
woman two: well im not, my boyfriend got sacked this morning for putting his cock in the bacon slicer
woman one: ouch! the bacon slicer?
woman two: yeah she got sacked this afternoon

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:32 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
woman one: whats that perfume you are wearing?
woman two: its called "come to me"
woman one: well it doesn't smell like come to me
woman two: -licks her wrist- tastes like it

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:58 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
woman one: my boyfriend bought some luminous condoms the other day and said to me that i had to go out of the room, hed put a luminous condom on and then i would come in and jump on it
woman two: bet you enjoyed that
woman one: f**king didnt he put it on the bedpost

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:01 am
by Jennifer The Dodo
woman one: my boyfriend got some flavoured condoms so one night i snuck under the duvet, started sucking away and exclaimed "that's nice... cheese and onion"
woman two: what did he say?
woman one: he said "i havent put one on yet"

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 8:54 am
by harrykeavan

Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:30 pm
by harrykeavan
Guide for Americans Visiting Britain


Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organisation -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")


http://www.jomiller.com/guide/

Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:57 pm
by Hubcap
^^ Lmfao!
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 5:23 pm
by Jennifer The Dodo
a worldwide survey was conducted by the un. the only question asked was: "would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

the survey was a huge failure...

in africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
in eastern europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
in western europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
in china they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
in the middle east they didn't know what "solution" meant.
in south america they didn't know what "please" meant.
and in the usa they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:24 pm
by Aspman
Joke : Gordon Brown was waiting to be born ...

God says ... "Gordon, the good news is you will become Prime Minister, the bad news is you are born coward and I'm going to put a big yellow stripe down your back."

Gordon replies ... "Well in that case can you make it two yellow lines so I can tax anybody who stands behind me."