The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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Morganlefay
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Post: #54937Post Morganlefay
Tue Jan 16, 2007 5:16 pm

An attractive, well built blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The
dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were
watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY- - - -


Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men.



MLF


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Post: #55024Post Aspman
Wed Jan 17, 2007 2:56 pm

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Shippwreck
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Post: #55229Post Shippwreck
Fri Jan 19, 2007 12:31 pm

Hey,

I actually got this off the end of a junk mail (you know the types). I think it was just meant as paddding to get through the filters... but it's actually a little ammusing!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based o n whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10


....it makes everyone wonder what you have been up to!!:-)
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Google is god... of the internet :mrgreen:

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Harbinger
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Post: #56307Post Harbinger
Tue Jan 30, 2007 12:53 am

I was chatting online with a friend of mine, and he said this quote. I thought it was just classic.

"While playing guitar naked on my bed above the shambles of my desheveled room, I was struck by a sudden epiphony. It dawned on me as I washed down another scoop of peanut butter with some beer that I had reached a whole new zenith of bachelor-hood."

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Deeboe
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Post: #57052Post Deeboe
Mon Feb 05, 2007 4:10 pm

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home! Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful Baby. The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said He will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses!!"
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Panama Red
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Post: #57489Post Panama Red
Wed Feb 07, 2007 2:56 pm

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about world affairs. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what the hell happened to Kenneth?" :shock:


:lol: :lol:
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Deeboe
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Post: #57569Post Deeboe
Wed Feb 07, 2007 7:28 pm

OK, maybe a little late, but still funny!
----------------
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Chicago, Illinois and trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she's a Bears fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Bears fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bears fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Bears fan, then whom do you support?"

"I'm a Colts fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Colts fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from Indianapolis and my mom is a Colts fan and my dad is a Colts fan, so I'm a Colts fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Colts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "Then I'd be a Bengals fan."
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Morganlefay
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Post: #57898Post Morganlefay
Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:03 pm

Never Give up Your Wine

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman
who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it
instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman
asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless
woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I
haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well", said the woman, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby
and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby
be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and
wine."

:mrgreen:


MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Post: #58467Post Aspman
Tue Feb 13, 2007 10:02 am

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Deeboe
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Post: #58830Post Deeboe
Wed Feb 14, 2007 5:32 pm

Cards you don't want to see this Valentine's Day:

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-Deeboe
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Panama Red
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Post: #59364Post Panama Red
Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:42 pm

A Mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses on the train, cause we're going down the
tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue.....

"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
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Moxnix
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Post: #59729Post Moxnix
Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:43 pm

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding
and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said......
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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jaymill230
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Post: #59764Post jaymill230
Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:04 pm

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is real nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we"ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Chad


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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Deeboe
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Post: #60085Post Deeboe
Wed Feb 21, 2007 7:45 pm

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jaymill230
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Post: #60098Post jaymill230
Wed Feb 21, 2007 9:58 pm

LMFAO

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