The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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Vorlin
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Post: #60135Post Vorlin
Thu Feb 22, 2007 5:15 am

I swear, I don't think I've laughed so loud before in my life! :ROFL: :mrgreen:


In the world of protection, one thing is for sure: security = 1 / convenience.

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Morganlefay
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Post: #60466Post Morganlefay
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:30 pm

Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said
"No" :shock:
and she lived happily ever after
and went shopping,
Drank martinis with friends,
always had a clean house,
never had to cook,
had a closet
full of shoes and handbags,
stayed skinny,
and was never farted on.
The End

:mrgreen:

I sure wish I had heard this when I was younger :(

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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cemetric
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Post: #60468Post cemetric
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:35 pm

You were farted on :shock:

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Morganlefay
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Post: #60469Post Morganlefay
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:37 pm

Ever heard of a dutch oven :)

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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cemetric
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Post: #60471Post cemetric
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:44 pm

Morganlefay wrote:Ever heard of a dutch oven :)

MLF
I'd rather not thank you :mrgreen:

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Post: #60472Post dinowuff
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:45 pm

Morganlefay wrote:Ever heard of a dutch oven :)

MLF
Please tell me it wasn't followed by a Stanley Steamer :shock:
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No lusers were harmed in the creation of this Taz Zone Post.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
09:F9:11:02:9D:74:E3:5B:D8:41:56:C5:63:56:88:C0

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Post: #60473Post Morganlefay
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:53 pm

Stanley Steamer :?

Hum...I dont think I wanna know ;)

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Post: #60483Post Maverick
Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:07 pm

Or the mighty Cleveland Steamer?
- Maverick

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Egaladeist
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Post: #60488Post Egaladeist
Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:28 pm

You gotta be Canadian to understand this one... :D

A newfie calls 911. "Hello, is this the RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

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Post: #60496Post Aspman
Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:58 pm

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Post: #60556Post DaFoxx
Sat Feb 24, 2007 11:18 am

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she dances she makes the band skip.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her butt has its own congressman.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Mama's So Fat....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo Mama's So Fat....all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo Mama's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
Yo Mama's So Fat....they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"
Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she's on BOTH sides of the family.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she could sell shade.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo Mama's So Fat....people jog around her for exercise.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her blood type is Ragu.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo Mama's So Fat....if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Post: #60922Post Deeboe
Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:15 pm

A little pre St. Patty's day humor:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Post: #60936Post DaFoxx
Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:19 am

as a cat 'owner' th efollowing IS a true story :)
Instructions for giving your Cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check labels to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aids to wife's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Morganlefay
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Post: #61281Post Morganlefay
Fri Mar 02, 2007 5:18 pm

Mr Foxx...thats a good one...(mlf copies and sends to friend Tex...he'll get it...he has cats)


This was sent from a friend this morning....

Your Smile for today :-)

Unbelievable Diet
I was in the grocery store buying a large bag of Purina dry food
for my dog Atlas and was in the line at the check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her
no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both
arms.
The woman's eyes just about popped out of her head. I
went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally
buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and
that the way it
works is to load your pockets, or purse, with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
story, Especially the tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had
poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said
no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass
when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried
out the door.
:mrgreen:

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Morganlefay
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Post: #61949Post Morganlefay
Wed Mar 07, 2007 5:57 pm

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Very Tasteless Joke :shock:


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting
over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother
cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly
hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ..." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's
18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he
first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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