The Official Joke Thread

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Moxnix
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 124903Post Moxnix
Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:30 am

The letter from camp.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you
saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents
and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He
can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and
rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during
the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also
some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows
back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus
fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when
we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to
expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty
and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets
pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to
us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.

In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I
can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's
concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the
water from

the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He
didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of
time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably
was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got
sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and
became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things
done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters &
buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine
and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie


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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125005Post Aspman
Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:12 pm

Sick sick sick - you have been warned - mouse over to read.



Freezin' aint it ?! then again , if you think its cold over here .... think about John Travotas house, its minus one !

----------------------

You know what killed Travolta Jnr don't you?



Saturday night fever.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125059Post Aspman
Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:10 pm

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the global recession,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years
of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who
have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme
(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much 5HIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of 5HIT it gives employees. Should you feel
that you do not receive enough 5HIT, please bring to the attention of
your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the 5HIT you can
handle.

Sincerely,

The Management
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125096Post Morganlefay
Thu Jan 15, 2009 2:51 pm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold..'
The girl replied , 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose..
0A
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid..'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!'
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125100Post Morganlefay
Thu Jan 15, 2009 3:23 pm

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Panama Red
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125122Post Panama Red
Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:39 pm

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Vorlin
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125124Post Vorlin
Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:44 pm

^ ROFL!!! That's great..."who're you callin' a f*ckin' moron ya f*ckin moron!" "yo n!gga, turn back .2 miles...I gotta get me some weed"
In the world of protection, one thing is for sure: security = 1 / convenience.

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125218Post Ally
Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:30 am

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????



OH, Come on...take a guess!





YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!!!!


Don't blame me,
I just send 'em on.
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125219Post Ally
Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:38 am

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental
treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment
consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125222Post Ally
Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:46 am

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three different universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?'

'Sadness' said the student. '

And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge.

'Elation,' she said.

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How about the opposite of woe?'

The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up.'
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125229Post Aspman
Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:09 am

EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125335Post Morganlefay
Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:35 pm

Wife says to her husband
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the
lottery?"

Husband replies
"Id take half then leave
you."

wife says
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten
dollars. Heres a fiver- now fuck
off!

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125367Post Aspman
Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:36 pm

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Panama Red
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125499Post Panama Red
Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:05 am

AN OLD IOWA FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.




THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."



"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."



THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.



HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED GAIL AND NANCY.



THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.



"NANCY," WHISPERED GAIL.



"WHAT?" SAID NANCY.



"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT" REPLIED GAIL.



"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED NANCY.



"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED GAIL.



"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID NANCY. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"



"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID GAIL, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125545Post Aspman
Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:40 pm

Thanks to Shaun for this one:

A Lancashire Farmer is overseeing his animals in a remote part of the County when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The Farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Reet, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'Wow That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the farmer says to the young man, 'Ey Up!, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the British Government', says the farmer.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required,' answers the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ....... this is a flock of White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs. Now give me back my dog.'
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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