The Official Joke Thread

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Panama Red
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125547Post Panama Red
Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:09 pm

PMSL......
Now give me back my dog.


Image

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125624Post Ally
Thu Jan 29, 2009 12:46 pm

I found this beautiful Aussie summer poem. It's extremely touching and thought provoking and thought it might be a
comfort to you. It was to me. It's very well written.

I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....





'An Aussie Summer '



A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre






Fuck, It's HOT!
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125625Post Ally
Thu Jan 29, 2009 1:02 pm

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mothe r replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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SirDice
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125727Post SirDice
Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:20 pm

Dear Staff,



Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,



The Management
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125730Post Aspman
Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:23 pm

Repost! Beat ya to it one page ago Dice :mrgreen:


Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy
monkeys at £20 each.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch
it!


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However,
since he had to go to the USA on some business, his assistant would buy
on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected... I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for
700 billion pounds.

Strange as it may seem they never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!


Now you have a better understanding of how the
UK BANKS BAILOUT PLAN
WILL WORK !!!!
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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SirDice
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125732Post SirDice
Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:27 pm

Aspman wrote:Repost! Beat ya to it one page ago Dice :mrgreen:
Crap.. I need to visit this thread more often :sad:
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Leaf
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125771Post Leaf
Sat Jan 31, 2009 5:30 pm

Two managers at the local watering hole:

- Hey Bill..
- Dave..
- SO, man - how are things doing over at your company?
- Pretty bad, and you guys?
- Ya, really bad, we stopped paying the employees last week, how about you?
- We stopped paying them over a week ago...
- And does your staff still show up for work?
- Ya, they come in, they work their shift and go...Houw about yours?
- They come in, don't pick up a cheque anymore, but they come and work anyway....


- Heeeeey man, what do you say we start charging these suckers an admission fee?

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125811Post Aspman
Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:49 am

Image
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125812Post Morganlefay
Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:47 pm

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent.

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125813Post Morganlefay
Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:48 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE

Brilliant from Mad TV...old but relevavent

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125822Post keezel
Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:09 pm

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
ROFL!! :rolf6:
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125846Post keezel
Tue Feb 03, 2009 4:45 am

Advertising genius.
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125848Post keezel
Tue Feb 03, 2009 5:02 am

Jesus in the bathroom.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125849Post keezel
Tue Feb 03, 2009 5:03 am

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Sorry for the flood of jokes. They pile up over time, I pick out the good ones, then post. :D
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 125910Post Morganlefay
Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:51 pm

40 yrs of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ' For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time,

I will grant you each a wish. '

The wife answered, ' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. '
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ' Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I ' m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. '
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....


MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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