The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126369Post Aspman
Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:35 pm

13 year old dad Alfie Patten has joined 'Fathers for Justice'. He doesn't understand the politics of it but he thinks the spiderman costume is fuckin' brilliant.


^If you don't know this is the current meeja outrage of the day
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a ... 728807.ece


"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126371Post dinowuff
Tue Feb 17, 2009 6:13 pm

Wow, I mean that's all I can say.

So being underage, say the baby needs surgery or something like that, can the parents legally sign the consent form?

Now 15 year olds getting knocked up here in the states happens all the time and rarely make the news.

But usually the state steps in and takes all involved into some type of custody.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126377Post Panama Red
Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:01 pm

Lol...I like how a few of the local lads have come to Alfie's defense by stating they have all had a go at the girl, so the child could be theirs, nice to see some things like sticking up for your buddies haven't changed... :mrgreen:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126414Post Aspman
Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:17 pm

Panama Red wrote:Lol...I like how a few of the local lads have come to Alfie's defense by stating they have all had a go at the girl, so the child could be theirs, nice to see some things like sticking up for your buddies haven't changed... :mrgreen:

They just want the money the papers are paying for the story. Alfie's Dad now refers to his son as "his business interest". Frikin chavs.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126422Post Morganlefay
Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:39 pm

You Brits and your funny words

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chav
2. chav 7238 up, 950 down
Derived from Chatham in Kent, this term can be applied loosely to every culture with a nasty, thieving element. There are many variants of this creature but all are subject to the following commonalities:

Chavs are completely Amoral, having never been subjected to right and wrong by their inattentive, uncaring and often absent parents.

Chavs are part Magpie, evidentially supported by their love of all things shiny, or as vaccuous, illiterate street-slang would say 'Bling'. They can be seen twokking from the Jewelry counter in Argos/Index.

Whatever their ethnic background, Chavs have a built-in affinity to hip-hop/R&B, even if they are inherently racist (see the Scottish). They see their life as glamorous and cool.

Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. However this is false. A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of car modification.

All chavs think that they are nails. Again, this is false. Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will only break a sweat if running from the police.

Chavs are incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders. Where they come unstuck is having to look after the offspring which their 13 yr old drunken fumble produces. More often that not the child will crow to be a Chav, having received no more guidance on life than the parent.

Chavs have a fond love for cars, as well as a Vin Diesel fixation. Rather than buy a nice car to start with, a chav will spend all their dole and tax-free labouring cash on upgrading a 10 year old car with 200,000 miles on the clock. The end product will invariably be a luminous monstrosity with at least one serious collision to it's name.
We have those here...we just call them white trash

I like chav better :good:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126423Post Aspman
Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:58 pm

We Scots (that's you too MLF!) call them 'Neds'.

http://www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk0sS4IF ... re=related
The Common Ned: The common ned, as the name suggests, is the most common type of ned you will come across in Glasgow. This widespread ned will invariably be kitted out in brightly coloured track suits, which serves as a warning to decent folk to stay away, much like the brightly coloured stripes of a wasp. Another trait borrowed from the animal kingdom is the almost perpendicular cap angle, which can be equated to an animals instinctual response to a threat which may include ears pointing upwards, tail erect, or feathers cocked.


To continue the animal analogy, these neds will travel in squads, and feel uncomfortable not doing so. Though, as they are so common, you will see many scattered all over the place, not unlike a plague or rats. Curiously, the Common Ned behaves as if he is amidst a plague of rats: trackies tucked into bright white socks stuffed into dazzlingly colourful trainers. Their squad culture gives them more confidence to harass members of the general public and if you see a troop of neds in the street or in a bus shelter or in a local park you may well become a target for their abuse and you may well hear such phrases uttered as 'you're a pure poofy wee prick' or 'look at the state ay you ya dobber' (a particularly ironic one). These phrases vary greatly and it is rare to hear the same line more than once from the same ned.

The Dressed Ned: It should be mentioned that it is rare to find a common ned over the age of 18. When a common ned gets old enough they will no longer wish to hang about in a bus shelter and they will usually graduate to become a 'Dressed Ned'. These neds can be seen in abundance on a Friday or Saturday night in Glasgow city centre. They will usually be wearing clothes which on average would have come to over 300 pounds, not including the tanning parlour fee. They will attend such lovely places as The Moon night club or perhaps Archaos or Destiny or the Savoy or Victorias or Walkabout (previously I would have mentioned Bonkers but the council got some sense on that front). If you wish to see some of these neds but don't wish to go to any of their places you may find it fruitful to hang around the streets at 3am on a weekend night and watch them fight and bottle each other until the sun comes up. I highly recommend the area at the intersection between Sauchihall street and Renfield street as this is truly scumbag central between 2am and 4am every Friday and Saturday night. It is like a little Bermuda triangle of seriously bad clubs and it's a haven for the dressed ned. Why do they all want to be Gareth Gates?

The Beggar Ned: Glasgow just wouldn't be Glasgow without the good old beggar ned. These neds make a (fairly healthy) living out of simply asking people for money in the street. If you give them the money they ask for they wont sing you a song, they wont do you a dance and they probably wont even thank you. Their request for 20p will usually be accompanied by a heart breaking story, but don't worry because the story isn't actually true. Perhaps if they toned it down a bit and made it more believable people would be fooled more often but then intelligence was never a virtue of the beggar ned. These neds will generally look similar to a common ned but only if you took the common ned and rolled him in some mud for a day or two then urinated on him.

The Wee Cheeky Ned: Firstly I should point out that all neds have big mouths, and many are cheeky, but the Cheeky Ned is an astonishingly impudent breed of ned, easily differentiated from the more common varieties. The purveyor of many a mischievous comment, this ned is full of disrespect for and defiance towards everyone and everything. Below average height, face permanently bearing an unsettlingly impish grin, and a voice as of yet unbroken, these tykes can be extremely irritating. And this irritation is amplified by the fact you can do absolutely nothing about it. Whenever you spot one, the chances are they will be surrounded by a scattering of Common Neds and a "Goon ned". It is this ned-curtain that gives them the courage to speak out at anything, and instils them with their legendary defiance. When surrounded by their kind, these neds fear nothing. They will mock any authority, whether it is a security guard, or a train-driver, and square up to people twice their size, separating them from their more common cousins who's cheekiness is largely incidental. So, if you ever trip up in the street in front of a squad of neds, and a mocking, shrill scream followed by elaborate impressions of you, replaces the more common 'ha ha, look at you ya nugget', you'll know that the troop was blessed with a cheeky ned.

The Mad Ned: This ned is quite rare, and will, more often than not, travel alone. Without even a trace of a conscience, the Mad Ned is very dangerous, and if spotted, must be avoided. Do not confuse this type of ned with the typical hard-man of a ned troop. The garden variety hard-man's tough guy image is merely an act of machismo, and will in most cases disappear along with his squad. The Mad Ned is a highly anti-social individual without a twinge of humanity who, when travelling with a squad, is the one described by his pals as having 'taken it too far', whether that be kicking a man to death, or introducing a cat to a firework. So, wherever a ned squad goes too far, a mad ned was travelling with them. Ordinary neds themselves fear them, and behave like sycophants around them.

More commonly, however, perhaps resulting from a slightly psychotic nature, they travel alone, with the aim to destroy people and property. Many have graced our televisions in programmes showing CCTV footage: the man seemingly without purpose, walking down the street at 2am damaging car after car; the unprovoked attack on a passer-by culminating in several stamps to the head; those curious individuals that push a blade into an innocent bystander for no other reason than they were there at the time. Unable to inhibit impulses in their brains like the rest of us, if this ned has a golf club, he will swing it whether he is playing golf or not, rather similar to the way a young child will attack anything and everything if given a plastic sword.

The Goon Ned: Any ned squad worth their kappas has a resident Goon ned, an oversized, vacant eyed galoot of sub-normal intelligence. Their purpose is appealingly simple: the physical protection of the squad. Where there are power vacancies within a squad, this ned will often take charge, a result of his physical prowess rather than his intellectual shrewdness. On the whole, however, the slightly smaller in stature hard man will take charge, and the Goon Ned will usually stick to what he's good at. Though these neds are easy to outwit, and it may be tempting to when face-to-chest with one, it isn't really worth a black eye, which is what you'll get, as physical aggression is the Goon Ned's answer to everything.

The Senga Ned: Like primitive tribes from stone-age times, each squad of neds will have their resident "senga neds". These female neds are quite distinctive in appearance. Senga neds wear pretty much the same clothes as the male neds when they are hanging around the streets or in bus stops, although this can dramatically change to pretty much no clothes if they are planning a trip to "the unders" or to the Moon night club. They are usually covered in bright gold jewelry and sporting gold name tags around their necks. People have been debating for years whether these name tags are to remind the senga of their name or to remind the male neds of the group what one he's "doin'" that night. Senga neds will also sport an abnormal number of gold chains round their necks along with an abnormal number of love bites. About half of all senga neds can be seen in the street usually pushing a pram with a number of children in it and a jacket hanging off of one handle of the pram and with a farm foods bag underneath it. No one knows what's in the farm foods bag. Spotting a senga ned in the street isn't very hard as they are usually heard before they are seen. It is common to hear a piercing shrill a couple of streets away indicating that a senga ned is mad at one of her males or an innocent girl who was passing by. Examples of the cries you may hear are "Av goat tae bring up 4 weans oan ma ain while your oot shaggin" or "whit the fuck were yay lookin at ma man fur ya 'nugly' cow". An aggressive senga is not a pretty sight so it's not advisable to approach one in the street at any time.

The Friendly Ned: This is a highly controversial ned to include but It has been spotted enough times to warrant an inclusion in this list. The friendly ned is a rare creature. It is unlikely that the friendly ned will exist in it's own right. It is more likely that a friendly ned is simply a common ned when he is in a squad of neds but transforms into a friendly ned when he is on his own. The friendly ned will usually be found on public transport and although it can seem slightly intimidating when they initially apporach you, it soon becomes obvious that this ned doesn't actually want to take your money or call you a dafty. He simply wants to participate in an irreverent conversation about football, drinking or fighting. These neds are not very dangerous but it may happen that occasionally when you have been engaged in a conversation with one of them that another common ned may approach causing a change in the friendly back to a common ned so they should be treated with caution. Friendly neds will usually always be male neds. It is extremely rare to find a friendly senga ned.

The Family Man Ned: This ned is predominantly found outside of the city centre. This ned will usually be seen making his way down the road pushing a pram, with at least two other small children trailing behind, on his way to the DSS. These children will almost certainly be fighting with each other or throwing stones at buses and so the family man ned will usually be shouting at them. "Michela, stoap flingin stanes at Charlene". This ned is slightly older than the other neds as he will have at least three children and can be considered as a good example of what happens to a young common ned who does not grow out of neddism. A ned can become trapped inside ned circles if he gets lumbered with a "wean", turning into a family man ned, usually at the ages of 13 to 15.

The Cruiser Ned: It is unusual to find this ned outside a car unless he is being questioned by the police and they are usually only seen from chest level up wearing a burberry base ball cap. These cruiser neds are dedicated to making their cars look as stupid as possible and they regularly congregate at public parks and waste ground to show off how stupid the cars look and how many unnecessary things they have added to their "motors" that week. These neds consume a lot of money to pursue their hobby and so will protect their cars with their life so it is not advisable to do anything to their cars other than point and laugh. Some people may get mixed up between a "cruiser ned" and a "common ned in a clapped out nova". The main difference between the two is that a cruiser ned will travel in circles for a whole night pumping crap music out of the window where as a common ned in a nova will drive fast for a night then set fire to the car.

The Working Ned: This is quite an unusual ned as they are not work shy in the slightest and will work full time hours like the rest of us. They do though, as you would imagine, bring their own touch of nedness to the working environment. The most common type of working ned is the one who gets on a bus in the morning (always the bus, even if a better transport option is available they will get on the bus) and head straight to the back to smoke a fag and discuss the weekend's football/fighting/drinking with his working ned friends. As this ned passes on the bus you will observe a glass bottle of Irn Bru and a Sun/Daily Record rolled up and in his back pocket and those big dirty brown boots with the woollen top on them that they all wear but aren't sold anywhere. Another type of working ned is the office ned. These working neds are not as obvious as the other kind as they are usually required to conform to the shirt and tie dress codes but you can spot one of these working neds by a sly pair of Burberry socks or a cap that comes off before the office is entered. These neds will also usually drive a car with unnecessary things attached to it and will bomb it into and out of the office car park in a show of neddism.

The Cinema Ned: This ned can be found in any cinema in the country. It can't be considered a ned on its own as it it only found in goups but its almost certain that if you go to see a really poor american blockbuster or generic teen movie there will be a group of cinema neds eating popcorn loudly and laughing amongst each other...all through the film. The common reaction among normal people is to tell these neds to be quiet but unless you are yourself a ned of equal or greater status of the lead ned of the cinema group this will not work. If you turn to these neds and say 'shut up', for example, you will most likey recieve a higher pitched 'you shut up' in return from the groups resident wee cheeky ned followed by the high pitched laughter of some impressed sengas and low pitched grunting of the resident goon. There is no way to stop these neds other than to hope that a 'cool motor' or half naked woman appears on the screen.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126440Post DaFoxx
Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:26 am

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.

"Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s £5 please." says our boy, with his hand held out.

"I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something..."

So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."

The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.

"What are they for?" asks the woman.

"Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you." replies the boy.

"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I’ll take all of you!"

Our lad replies...
"Not for five quid you wont!"
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126441Post DaFoxx
Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:27 am

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's only got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126448Post Aspman
Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:00 pm

I was walking past the fridge yesterday, and I though I heard the onions singing old Bee Gees songs.

I investigated further, and it was just the chives talking.

-------------------------------------------------------

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
“I know that smart-alec Tex,” said the first. “He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.”
“Not Tex,” said the second. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.”
“I know Tex better than any of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!”
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, “Audi, partners!”
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126510Post Moxnix
Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:45 am

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to
tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff,
spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only
Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until
she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,
till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy
with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified
teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126524Post Morganlefay
Mon Feb 23, 2009 8:11 pm

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126538Post cgkanchi
Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:31 pm

bash.org wrote: <Ndi> i have a local lan at work
<Ndi> and it has a nat
<Ndi> and it nats to the net
<Ndi> and the net is at home
<Ndi> and I have a vpm that vpns over the net to the lan at work which is natted
<Ndi> and I have a VM here that has the ability to NAT into my real home lan
<Ndi> that can be output to the net
<Ndi> so I defined the NAT there
<Ndi> so then I have access to work
<Ndi> so the packet, you see, from 192.168.88.3 to 192.168.3.22 is output, and then gets routed to 192.168.88.2, then 88.1, then my IP, then to my gateway, then net, then the work gateway then to the VPN device, then to the local gateway, then to the target pc.
<Ndi> i wonder if I can get tech support for this.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126544Post snakedog
Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:40 pm

98% of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.

Bet ya didn't know that, did ya? ;)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126714Post Aspman
Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:22 pm

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126733Post keezel
Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:38 am

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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