The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:49 pm

SMILE FOR TODAY


Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.


I have noticed that many who text messages and e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.


Capitalization is the difference between:

helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and
helping your uncle jack off a horse.

:mrgreen:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Wed Dec 22, 2010 2:35 pm

Not true but funny all the same

Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally January 10, 2010 by randyedye.

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. “Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activists, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, "You can’t prove that." Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because "his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby keezel » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:17 pm

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:49 pm

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:56 pm

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.


That means it took only 100 years for men to realize that their brain
is also important.


Ladies.....Quit your laughing.


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:40 am

An Englishman
a Scotsman
an Irishman
a Latvian
a Turk
an Aussie
an American
an Egyptian
a Japanese
a Mexican
a Spaniard
a Greek
a Russian
an Estonian
a German
an Italian
a Pole
a Lithuanian
a Swede
a Finn
an Isreali
a Romanian
a Bulgarian
a Serb
a Czech
and a Swiss went into a pub.

The landlord says " I can't let you in without a Thai "
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some of the 'latest' giggles UK side

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:42 am

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on
board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right
bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets.

I was driving to work this morning, when I saw an RAC van parked up. The
driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'. .

On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign saying 'English speaking
Doctor'. I thought; "What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country."

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife
and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there
she was, Face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost
it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes. Then a moment
of pure inspiration...........McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you
have sex?" "I did once & he looked really angry." "Why angry?" Because
he was watching through the window !

Took a girl home from the pub last night, but I ended up falling asleep
on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake! .

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.Then I crept
upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half. It
was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus
home.

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys
are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons,
however, will be changed on an hourly basis!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Sat Mar 12, 2011 12:57 pm

Dilbert HDD security.jpg
Dilbert HDD security.jpg (53.02 KiB) Viewed 8046 times
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Aspman » Tue May 17, 2011 9:32 am

Brave man jokes, the author survived but with a pronounced limp -
------------------------------------------------------

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

-

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

-

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

-

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

-

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

-

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

-

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

-

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Panama Red » Thu May 26, 2011 3:40 pm

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your frickin’ will power."


Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually.'


I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know.........maybe 350 pounds."


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"


I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"


Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby SirDice » Fri May 27, 2011 8:01 am

What are the similarities between a burned pizza, a pregnant girl and a frozen beer?



Some moron forgot to take it out in time.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby compwhiz11 » Sun May 29, 2011 11:22 pm

A women's prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him and Patience for his moods. Because

Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death!
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby DaFoxx » Fri Jun 10, 2011 12:09 am

Me - Barman, I would like a Bin Laden please

Barkeep - what IS that exactly

Me - two shots, and a splash of water :shock: :mad: :galdancin:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby cheapscotchron » Tue Aug 16, 2011 4:30 am

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on mylist, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door
to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All
he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Postby Morganlefay » Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:29 pm

hahahahah ...I like it Ronny :good:

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