TAZ Forum Community

TESTICULATING:
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a
project failed, and exactly who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
everybody and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarified organisational layers that start just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule moment in time when you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').

WOOFies:
Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING:
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.


Some of them are funny

.C.


edited by DaFox to remove mail >>'s

Little boy is hiding in the closet in his mothers room, while his mother and some man are having sex. All of a sudden the front door opens and shuts. Mom quickly ushers the man into the closet and goes downstairs to send her husband out on some errands.

Meanwhile the boy says, "Dark in here ain't it".
"Sure is" replied the man.
"I have a base ball glove for sale". Says the boy
"How much"?
"200 Dollars"
The man pulls out his wallet and gives the boy $200

Later that week the boy again is hiding in his mothers closet, same man is having sex with his mom when dad comes home. Again the man is put in the closet:

"Dark in here ain't it". Says the
"Sure is" replied the man.
"I have a base ball bat for sale". Says the boy
"How much"?
"300 Dollars"
The man pulls out his wallet and gives the boy $300

Later that month the boy is sitting at the table with his father.
"Dad" said the boy, "I sold my base ball stuff for $500".
The father thinks about that for a while and becomes angry. He explains to his son that he should know better. That the base ball equipment was not worth $500 and he should go to confession and confess his sins.

The boy apologizes to his father and goes down the street to his church.

He enters the confessional and waits.

Soon the Priest enters, sits down and opens the confessional window.

Boy says "Dark in here, ain't it"

To which the Priest replies....









This isn't your mothers closet!

Via email-

-
Swearing At Work
Our policy... -___- "


Dear Employees:


It has been brought to the partners' attention that some individuals throughout the firm have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however. realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.


Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.


INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.


INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.


3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.


INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.


INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.


5) TRY SAYING: Really?


INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...


INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.


INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


TRY SAYING: That's interesting.


INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.


INSTEAD OF: this sh__ won't work.


10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.


INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.


INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?


INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?


INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.


INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.


INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.


INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?


INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.


INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,


Human Resources

Got this in an e-mail!!!




Thought for the day!

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said, "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."

And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes!

And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you
scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. ! My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Via email

Kudos to ZT3000 for this one:
---

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

For nokia....


A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars and men.

" What's your name?" she asked.

"beertits," he replied.

I went to the doctor recently as I have been suffering from constipation

He gave me some suppositories
went back after a couple of days
STILL constipated

"what about the suppositories ?" he asked
So I told him ........







"for all the good THEY did, I might as well have shoved 'em up me arse"

When your retired and have nothing to do...

From: Walmart
To: Mrs. Gutierrez

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown,
President and CEO
Walmart Complaint Department

Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!

I can't help but picture those things ... hilarious ... LoL

.C.

Heh, i know,

I just forwarded it to Hayley as her dad has just retired, although i don't htink he's this bored yet...

Oooh.. I am SO tempted to forward this to my French teacher, who's retiring this year!

The only problem is that he'd probably punish me for it.. Haha! I don't know.. He's French. It's hard to predict what how those guys will react

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